PTSD, Jesus and Me: Safe Enough To Fall Apart

In this episode, Amy continues to share her journey to and through PTSD.  As a storyteller, Amy is engaging listeners and gaining an audience interested in this miraculous healing story.  This episode is real and Amy fails to hide her emotion in retelling this part of her story.  This is a story of great hope, but as listeners learn in this episode, the road to healing was rocky.  Come along as Amy tells you her story, and most importantly highlights Jesus, the star of her story. 
Matthew. 10:31

You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED

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Amy Watson  0:04  
But I had this really, really unfamiliar feeling. And it wasn't a bad feeling. And I didn't want to medicate it. But it was a confusing feeling. It was a warm feeling. It was a fuzzy feeling, it was almost a feeling like you feel like when somebody gives you a big hug that you want. That's what it felt like. Later, I would find out that feeling safety. I was safe for the first time since leaving the children's home.

Everybody and welcome back to Wednesday's with Watson. My name is Amy Watson, I am your host, and I am so grateful that you have returned to spend some time with us today. We've named this first season of our podcasts, PTSD, Jesus en me. And I oftentimes just really feel the need to tell you guys that because these things are so important. And the end of my story, which is really you hearing my voice right now and hearing what the Lord has done in my life in healing, of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Certainly though that would not be possible without what I have dubbed as the three C's, and the star of my story, and my church, obviously, and my faith in Jesus, my community, and also trauma informed counseling. And so I will never apologize about saying that every single week, because it is absolutely impossible to tell a story fiction or non without telling you about the hero. And certainly, while God provided many heroes along the way, by way of community, he absolutely is the star of my story. This podcast has already been so rewarding and so interesting to me it is a hybrid of my telling you the story of my journey of being diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That is it is Holden story form and and while you don't need to have listened to the podcast before it, it might be good for you to go back and look, or excuse me, listen to those. But it's not necessary because I am interrogating telling you my story and my journey of the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD, along with some science of PTSD to help you understand this phenomenon that is really way more common than I think any of us know. One of the most popular questions that I continue to receive from the podcast is

really asked in various forms. But really the question is the same is how do I know if I have PTSD? Now, certainly, I am a patient. I am not an expert. I am not a doctor, I almost have a minor in Psychology from college. But all I can tell you is about my journey. But I will tell you that if you're asking me, if you have PTSD, I think my answer to you at that point is inconsequential. Because clearly there's a reason why you're asking that question.

And so by way of talking a little bit, before we pick up where we left off, as a cliffhanger, I'm sure most of you love me for that. Before we pick up where we left off there.

One of the things that might help us all understand is really what is this definition of trauma? And and why do some people experience the same trauma and have zero effect and some people have, can can see, or experience that that same trauma and be heavily affected many times in the form of a diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder. And it really depends on who you ask. And certainly there is a place a prominent place for biblical counseling when we talk about PTSD. And that school of thought many times and I don't think it's a wrong one. Many times will define trauma as an interpretive disorder meaning the way we receive the traumatic event and understand that could that could be anything from witnessing a car accident to being in a car accident to be in war to be in on the frontlines in a hospital. Many many different things it can cause trauma when we are our perception is that we are not safe or that we are physically or not safe or that we see something. Many people that survived 911 Clearly suffered from PTSD because of the atrocities they saw on that day. But oftentimes trauma affects us in many different ways. Physiologically, we're all different, certainly the lens in which we view things, view things that come into our lives, experiences

that we have had going in to seeing that all are going to color what affects us. But the fact of the matter is, is that if you're asking me that question, my answer to you is both largely uneducated and inconsequential, because it means you're hurting. And it does mean that there's something jumping up and down, that needs to be addressed. While we're talking about questions coming in to me on the podcast, there are a couple ways you can do that. And I will list those at the end of the podcast, which includes all of my social media platforms in addition to my website, and I'd like to pick up from when we last spent time together. When we last spent time together, I left off telling the story about how my friend Cheryl had taken me to the emergency room. I checked myself in to be admitted to the psych ward. And when I left you last Cheryl has left me behind those locked doors and that psych ward. But before I pick up on that story, I want to back up a bit, because it is my desire, obviously, for this podcast for you to know the whole story. And for you to get a front row seat to the healing that has been described to me by more than one person, Amy, the healing that that we've seen you just as we've known you, the healing that we see, God has performed in her life really is akin to someone beating stage four cancer. And so that's a that's a that is not something that I've ever taken lightly. And I do understand that I am recording this podcast today, because of so many things that happen. And so before I pick up behind the locked doors of that psych ward, it's important for me to tell you

guys to back up just a little bit and help you understand why really, we believe that that that was the time that my body decided to give up. And that was the time that I needed to be in the hospital. And so I mentioned to you both Chrissy and Cheryl, both of whom I met at Bible study after leaving my marriage that was filled with violence for 12 years. Chrissy was one of those people and many of you listening to this podcast know who Chrissy is, and many times will hear me refer to her as my sister. Because that is and that is in fact what she is in my life as well as her family. But we didn't start that way. Chrissy is perhaps one of the most shy people on the planet. And so the fact that she even reached out to me and that she and I, when we met and December of 2007 and LifeGroup. The fact that she even went out of her way to come up to me and talk to me about things that she knew was important to me like I remember distinctly she knew that I am a Jaguars fan and y'all pray for me, because it's a sickness actually. But she had looked up information about the Jaguars and had actually come to me and that life group and had talked to me about it. And so she and I spent we were inseparable that following summer, just months before this all happened. And we did everything together and became very close. One day we were riding down the road and I was still living in that really dark 750 square foot apartment that I continue to call it the ghetto. And I was lonely and it was depressing. And and I think she knew that. And Chrissy one day, we were just driving down the road and she had had a conversation with her mom, who you were for me hear hear often hear me refer to as mama Bootsy that she had asked her mom, if she should ask me to to come live with her. And, and her mom said yes, absolutely, you should. And so Chrissy went out on a limb when they were driving down the road and asked me if I would be interested in moving in with her for a few months. And I'm literally air quoting and you'll find out why that's really funny later, as I mentioned, she and I had spent a lot a lot of time together after meeting at church that that that that previous December, part of that of the story that will come next and maybe even in the next podcast will be from Christie because there is a perspective that she has that she could share with you. For those of you who are listening to this podcast because you love somebody with PTSD. I want you to have her take on this part of the story and so that since it's my story, I get to go first. When I responded in the affirmative that I would love to move to move in with her for a couple months to save money. I even surprised myself. I thought she was gonna drive off the road though and she will tell you to this day that she was terrified of asking me to come live with her.

I can't I guess maybe um, I don't know guys, I guess I kind of give off a Miss Independent vibe. Or maybe I did then that either way. She was pretty scared to ask me. And I don't know why I don't I don't think I'm scary at all. Maybe I was then. Anyway, she and I

negotiated rent, because I refuse to let her give me anything. After all, I've been supporting myself since I was around seven, at the with the exception of the time that I was in the children's home, I have worked and if I ate it was because I worked. If I had shelter over my head, it was because I worked and so I wasn't gonna let her give me anything. When I said that to her, though, she used some skill. And she told me that if I would go to counseling and use that money for counseling that I could live with her without paying rent. I was not and had never been up until that point opposed to counseling, I had just really failed to find a good one. The best one that I knew was was and as one of my closest friends, Dr. Krista wet, and she was certainly too close to the situation. And I and I wasn't being honest with her because I know that, you know, she would take me exactly where I was ending up on that day. But I took Chrissy up on that and had my first appointment with Dr. Pettit right after I moved in with her. Chris, he trusted Dr. Pettit. And so I trusted him. And really like when you guys continue to hear parts of my story, you will understand that conventional wisdom would have told me and everybody who was advising me not to have a male counselor. But when I walked in his office, I trusted him from the first time I saw him, he is a calm and gentle man. And also, he's a Christian counselor, and he and he counsels from a Christian and a biblical worldview. But his office also felt safe to flesh out anger, that maybe didn't fit in the Bible. And maybe maybe it was a maybe someone needed to be angry with God, and so that his office felt safe, I had never felt judged, always, always ended up somehow back at Jesus, some of the most recent research indicates to us that people with a worldview that is bigger than than we are. And so for me, that is certainly God. And, and, and, and for many of us the same, but but people with a lens in which they can view trauma from from a higher, higher power, or God, the recovery does appear to be higher and faster. And so I had great hope when I was in his office, because I felt like his office was a place where I where we could do both, I could be honest and be angry, and be confused about God and still find some some healing. I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very first visit. But I can 100% 100% attest to that now. But when I look back at that first visit, it does give me an opportunity to talk to you a little bit about two very important components of post traumatic stress disorder. The first time that I walked in his office was I had been teaching all day

drove from Clearwater to St. Pete. And if you listen to my last podcast, this won't surprise you. I got lost. For those of you who know the drive from Clearwater to St. Pete It's one road, pretty difficult to get lost. But I did. But I finally arrived at his office. And I sat down and told him 35 years of trauma from the first traumatic event that I have memory of when I was seven years old, was his childhood sexual abuse, to the last punch from my ex husband when I was 35. I told him their stories, like I was giving him directions to the bank, zero emotion, all the name it claim it stuff in there, he and I remember that first appointment exactly the same. I was smiling. I was beats. I told him the story, like I'm telling it to you, maybe even in some creative storytelling language. But I essentially told him with zero emotion, I quoted my faint favorite name it climate stuff, until you know I threw in that my favorite verse Philippians 112. I told him, it was worth it all to me if somebody could get help, that I really wanted God to use that. And certainly that's still true today. But he and I remember that, that that visit when I sat down and just literally told him this remarkable body of trauma, without a single tear, and without a single part of emotion. Many, many times when when people would ask me how I was doing, and some people who are in my life at that, at that time would would laugh when they hear this. But I was asked how I was doing, including when and when Dr. Pettit asked me how I was doing my standard answer was it's all good. And that was my answer. But what happened in his office that day was a phenomenon that is very familiar and are hallmarks with for PTSD. And and in some ways both of these are interchangeable detachment versus disassociation. And so and form of detachment I was telling Dr. Pettit the story is though it happened to somebody else, and not as though it happened to me. And the disassociation part is also a little bit of that but it's also

Some of it I've left out, I forgot. And I've remembered those things as I've healed, that disassociation part has certainly gotten gotten better. And so had my appointments and drove back I had already moved into Chris's by then. He told me that he would see me in a week, I was so happy to be alphabet dark apartment, Chrissy was super, super nice at a had plenty of space for me, I was comfortable her house. And I had this really, really unfamiliar feeling. And it wasn't a bad feeling. And I didn't want to medicate it. But it was a confusing feeling. It was a warm feeling. It was a fuzzy feeling, it was a almost a feeling like you feel like when somebody gives you a big hug that you want. You guys remember hug during a pandemic, anybody remember hugs, that's what it felt like. Later, I would find out that that feeling was safety. I was safe, for the first time since leaving the children's home. Although I'm not sure that I would have been able to identify it at that time.

I had experience what that feeling was, in fact, I know I couldn't have identified it at that time, I had experienced a lot of pain, and really tried to process some of the pain in that dark apartment. And so many of those nights and even days had been filled with such terror, and attempts to sue that terror with medicine all the time. And that medicine albeit prescribed.

I just didn't follow the directions. There's an old saying if you have a problem with addiction, and whether my addiction was temporary to deal with temporary pain, or whether it's legitimate addiction is consequential. But there's an old saying when you're when you're trying to self medicate, which is absolutely a hallmark of a PTSD patient. One still is too many, and 10,000 is not enough. And so even while at Christie's, because I felt safe, everything got worse, the night terrors got worse, the lack of sleep got worse, all of it got worse, the pain was real. And I was just trying to take as much medicine as I could. And I was very comfortable there. But like I said, the night just got worse and worse and worse and worse. This confused me because I didn't understand. But it is a fairly understood phenomenon. Now, I was safe. And so for the first time in a long time my body decided I'm done. And that led to the night when I took those non Klonopin to sleep. I would find out later that Dr. Pettit did not expect to see me at a next appointment. He fully expected the phone call that he received from the hospital.

As I mentioned that first night in the hospital was the best sleep that maybe I've ever had sense. When I woke up though the person

in the bed beside me was different from the night before. The night before there was an elderly lady there with dementia. But but this this, this person was different. I will never forget Stacy. She didn't need to tell me why she was there though. The bandages that covered her forearms, both of them, told the story for her

and made me sad. And she was angry that she was there. And apparently it arrived in the middle of the night. But I was just stunned as I stared at her forearms, where she had tried to take her life the night before and had barely made it to the hospital in time.

I was looking forward to the visitation times there were two of them. One in the morning and one in the evening. Almost all of my friends had to work that Chrissy had a job with some flexibility and she was there every single time that she was allowed to be. I do want to stop right here for a second. Because when I look back on this day, and maybe you can hear the emotion in my voice because

it's a precious it was a precious time. I want to stop right here and, and pray for any of you under sound of my voice. You find yourself where I was, I begged God that you have is Cheryl, that God that you have a Chrissy and that God that you have a crystal wit and your life. And honestly those are just three people that I will introduce in so many more that are part of my story. I bet God that

you would understand that I had all three well two of them in my life because of that one decision to go to that Bible study. Because that one time, one time. God really gave me the strength to not isolate at one night isolation such a hallmark of PTSD. All I had to do is make that decision that one time and even though I was traumatized.

Boy did I ever, ever, ever reap the benefits from that one, one decision. And so even though we are traumatized, and we have every reason to make bad decisions when we have posttraumatic stress disorder, we are going to be a product of the consequences of

The decisions we made two decisions. One of them I was helped to make the other one I wasn't that to go to counseling, but more importantly, that one time, not to isolate meant everything and it meant that Chrissy was my very first visitor and the psych ward that day.

She asked me what she could bring me and,

and I asked for two things. I asked for my pajamas and I asked for my Bible. And those of you that know me, know that the pajamas aren't a surprise. But those of you that listen to my last podcast know that I hadn't picked up a Bible in a while. I paced the floors that morning waiting for visitation time.

Food came in, I just stared at it. didn't drink my coffee. I couldn't wait to see Chrissy I was terrified. I saw and heard things there that I still can't forget. I remember distinct feeling of freedom, though. It truly did not matter who expected me to do what, where or what speed. Every single aspect of my life, or the expectation in my life were in the hands of the doctors who had diagnosed me with the most severe form of PTSD. Still currently on the books. I was truly shocked. I was sure that waiting it out. Getting up. Every time I got punched.

I was convinced that my efforts would lead to a brain not tormented by trauma. I use this word trauma a lot in some ways as an important that I remember it even today, because it was doing a number on me for sure. It took me a long time to understand, to let myself off of that 100 That hook that I kept putting myself on this. Swallow your pride get better get up. I was throwing the old Christian cliches at me as I mentioned before, it's the vs. Many, many times I put my hands to the plow and attempted to do something else and didn't look back. Didn't feel like I was inheriting the kingdom. Oh god though. Chrissy got there I was, I was sad to see her leave that morning. That night, she returned along with a bunch of people, I was only allowed two visitors at a time and all 10 of them would would show up and they had to come see me in shifts. Stacy and I hung out together along with some of the other patients that were were in for the same reasons as us, PTSD, anxiety and depression. One of the reasons why it was so scary was because the hospital was doing construction. And so they had combined patients with anxiety and depression with some patients who had more severe disorders that often required outbursts that were scary and lots of witness scenes of shots of hell doll. And so it was it was terrifying. So this group of us that were in the this, this anxiety, depression, PTSD, hung together. And so Stacy and I were in that group.

Oddly, I wanted to write and so when I asked for a pencil, they gave me this. It still makes me laugh. They gave me this doll pencil that was about an inch long.

It's not at all funny, but I remember trying to write with that pencil. It was hilarious. Stacy scooted her chair beside me and asked me what I was doing. And I told her I was just journaling. She pointed to my Bible. And she said this. Does that help you?

She asked me.

And I looked up and I knew it was a moment in regardless how broken I felt on that, or was it God? How confused I was. I knew it was a moment.

So I talked to her about God, and our stories. And I kept watching her she kept looking down at my Bible and she kept it like it like it was going to give her something that she needed. It was the Bible that I bought when I fled my marriage, it was pretty special to me. She asked me how to read the Bible. And of course, I hadn't read mine in a while. Suddenly the teacher may came out though, and so I shared with her the birthday verse idea. I don't know where I got the birthday verse idea. I was sharing it with somebody recently, and I couldn't remember who to give credit to. Yes, it's possible that I made it up. But for example, your birthday verse is your birthday month, and your birth day. So my birthday is December 1. And so my, my birthday verse that I picked is Romans 12 one. So you go through the entire Bible, and you look up the month and the day and you pick the verse that works for you. And so I said to Stacy, hey, what's your birthday? She said, My birthday is on Halloween. I said, Okay, well let's start in Matthew, chapter 10, verse 31. So I opened my Bible to Matthew verse, chapter 10, verse 31, and here's the verse that God gave Stacy and me. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than any Spiros Stacy told me that she wanted to believe that she she would make eye contact with me but looked down and played with the frayed parts on her bandages on her wrists. I could tell you this, I was way in over my head because I wasn't even sure I believed her birthday birthday verse. We were both terrified. Neither of us believe we were valuable. I still fully though understood the gravity of that moment. I told her what I could about how much I loved Jesus, in spite of the fact that I was sitting in the psych ward, after taking too much medicine asleep. She asked me if I was trying to kill myself. And with a clear conscience, I told her I wasn't. But I also told her that I wasn't a super fan of staying on the planet either. But that I understood that Jesus could walk me there. I told Stacy that I struggled understanding that I was valuable to him more valuable than a little bird that he loves. I watched a sparrow just this morning on my porch. And I was reminded of this again, how much he loves the spears. I told her, I said, I don't understand Stacy, how I'm valuable, how all these things happen. But I know you're valuable. And I know I'm valuable. And we all have to be afraid. I told her I plan to keep fighting. I really wanted to tell her that I was fighting because I believe that was worth something. But while I believe that verse in my head, I could not make that truth stay in my head. I told her I was going to fight, I was going to fight for the people that love me. And maybe somewhere along the way, I could fight for myself too. And I told her, if you need to fight for somebody else, right now you fight for them,

you'll fight for you. At some point, one day, we'll both realize how valuable we are. I was told I told her I was borrowing the faith of my friends because I was having a hard time finding my own. But I knew it was there. I told her that my faith wasn't weak, because I was in the same place as she was in the psych ward. But that God's promises were strong. The reality is I had beat myself up plenty of times and I felt weak, I didn't feel valuable. As I continued to mention, I preached Bible verses to myself, so often misused in these cases, I was tired of putting my hand to the plow is tired of working hard to forget and move on only to have one more burden placed on me. I needed to look back and sit in and that psych word forced me to do that. I told her that both of us could work on understanding and accepting our value and giving some respect to the pain that landed us in that hospital. That deepest part part of me then, and especially now believe that I am valuable, that I have to be reminded is where I get attacked, the place that exhibits a cellphone behavior that results in not taking care of myself not eating. Just all kinds of stuff that I just have to do every day. That's for some of you is second nature. She asked me if she could have that Bible. And when she got out of the hospital three days before I did, she took it with her. I continue to think about Stacy and her birthday verse in the promise written there. Even though it felt like I was talking to thin air, throw some words to God asking Him to give me the world to live. I did not have it. I also believe that beautiful descriptions of heaven and even now envisioning arriving in heaven and getting this big giant welcome hug from Jesus. So comforting to me. I was then and in some cases am now so tired and weary from the constant bounce and that boxing rain that just kept layering trauma at top of trauma. Everyday we would all line up at the door of the doctors they came to the came on the on the psych ward, and we all hoped that that day would be the day they would release us. Day after day they would tell me one more day. And then that day came and I was still there. Chrissy came every time she could and so did others. It was hard not to see the concern all of their faces, but it seems like it seemed like there was something that they weren't telling me. Finally, after five days, Chrissy told me to eat at mealtimes and maybe they would let me go home. I had continued to spend days pushing the food around on my plate, leaving right where I found it. I started attempting to eat and you're good at hiding it. And finally they let me out of the hospital. I walked out the doors of the hospital and across the street was the Pinellas County courthouse and on the way home I found out what they were not telling me. While I was in the hospital, my ex husband sent a series of emails with threads to kill me. And some of the most graphic ways you can imagine. And whatever communication God and I were having over that whole value thing was gone. Because I simply could not understand why he could not give me a break. I was done. I went home with a stack of medication and I plan to use it to

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your time with me today. I am so honored, always so honored when you have chosen to do that. We will continue to publish these podcasts every other Wednesday. The best way for you to just automatically have that downloaded to your device is to hit that subscribe button. We are now up on the two major platforms and iTunes and Spotify. If you're so inclined to leave us a rating as well as a review that will help us as we continue to try to get the podcast out there to those that need it. Also be looking for us on other platforms but we definitely are on those two already as well as my website, so it would be honored if you had also considered follow me on social media. I am on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, Instagram as author Amy Watson is my handle. And then Facebook and Twitter are Amy Watson author. You can also reach me on my website Amy Watson author.com. Many thanks to Amy Hyland, who continues to expertly produce the podcast episodes. I simply could not do this without her. Thank you again for spending time with me. And I look forward to spending some more time with you two weeks from today.

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