Loving Those Who Hurt Us: Embracing Perfect Love Beyond Trauma and Fear

CONTACT AMY
FORGIVING AN ABUSER, Amy's PERSONAL STORY

As Valentine's Day approaches, our hearts and minds often turn to love—but what about when love intertwines with fear and trauma? In a deeply moving narrative, I open up about the complex emotions that came flooding back with the death of John, my ex-husband, alongside reflections on the divine, steadfast love detailed in 1 Corinthians 13. This isn't just a conversation about the sentimental; it's a profound exploration into how love can be transformative, casting out fear and shining light into the darkest corners of our experiences. You're invited into an intimate space where we grapple with the reality that we are perfectly loved by God, and how this perfect love can act as a beacon of hope, even as we navigate the aftermath of trauma.

This episode is particularly resonant for anyone who has faced the deep pain of domestic abuse. I recount my personal journey of surviving and escaping a violent marriage, and the conflicting emotions of relief and sorrow that surfaced after my abuser's passing. Through this lens, we examine the challenge of unconditional love and forgiveness. How does one reconcile love for a person who has caused deep pain with the Christian commandment to love unconditionally? As we continue our series on faith and trauma, you'll find encouragement to lean into the sustaining power of faith and the importance of community support in our healing processes. This Valentine's Day, join us for a conversation that goes beyond the surface, offering a path towards peace and resilience through the perfect love of Jesus.

You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED

Chapters

• 0:02 Love, Fear, and Trauma
• 6:35 Understanding Unconditional Love and Forgiveness
• 16:22 Continuing Faith and Trauma Series

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

If I speak in the tongues of men or angels but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and confathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all that I possess to the poor and go over my body to hardship that I may boast but do not have love, I am nothing. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongdoings. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, there will cease. Where there are tongues, they will be stilled. Where there is knowledge, it will pass away. Where we know in part and in prophecy in part. But when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put those childhood ways behind me, for now we see only reflection, as in a mirror, though we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even, as I am fully known. And now these three remain faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Hey everybody, and welcome to the Wednesdays with Watson Podcast. Whether you are listening for the first time or you are a regular listener, thank you. Can you guys do me a favor? If you are not following or subscribed to the podcast, do that wherever you are listening. This act of kindness helps the show grow and ensures you always have access to the latest episodes.

Speaker 1: 2:39

Today's episode is a solo episode. It is Wednesday, february the 14th. Happy Valentine's Day. Today we will talk about love, what it is and what perfect love is. Since we have quite a few new listeners, I will begin sharing parts of my story in upcoming episodes, and this is one of them.

Speaker 1: 2:59

But before we jump into today's episode, let me just say that it is going to be scandalous to some of you guys. It is inexplicable to even me, except for Jesus, and so let's jump in to today's episode First. Jump 418 tells us that perfect love casts out fear. The great for perfect. Here is translated as complete in English, and love here is a gapé love. Of course, we know that there are different types of love a gapé love, philos love, and the kind of romantic love that we know. So right now, wherever you are, though, you are already perfectly and completely loved by the God of the universe. You didn't do anything to earn it and you can't do anything to lose it. God's love, this perfect love, is like gravity. You don't get a choice. You are so dearly loved. I want that to sink into every fiber of your being right now.

Speaker 1: 4:03

As I think about it, I think about a song by Maverick City with a prose that just plays over and over in my mind I have never been more loved than I am right now. Please take a moment to also let that sink in. You are so very loved. God perfectly and completely loves you. While that may serve to confuse some of you who have been harmed by others, seemingly at the approval of the same God of the universe, these two things are difficult to hold together. I understand that. If that's you, then this episode is for you.

Speaker 1: 4:44

Most of the listeners in this podcast struggle with the ills of trauma and its friends, most notably fear. This verse tells us that perfect love casts out fear. It's interesting to me that only the agape love is noted in this passage. But as human beings we are looking for security and freedom and other people and other things. For those of us in the trauma tribe from which fear rules many of our days, how precious is this promise that agape, perfect, complete love dispels fear, or, as one of my fellow podcasters, rodney Olson, says, it kicks the darkness in the teeth, exposing pure light.

Speaker 1: 5:21

I knew I wanted to do a solo episode on this and I found it lucky that Valentine's Day fell on a Wednesday this year. Just a few days ago, I looked at the date and my body was commandeered by the memories February 10th 2018. It was a beautiful day here in Florida. It's the kind of day that makes us stay here and remember when it's 185 degrees in the summer. I was outside, happy, and then totally knocked into a different universe when I looked down at my phone and saw the caller ID, my blood immediately ran cold as I just stared at my phone and wondered why she was calling me. I hadn't spoken to her since I left her brother so many years ago. She told me that John had been found dead and, honestly, the rest is a blur for me. The thing that stuck the most for me was that he died alone and that on that wedding day, where we had 1st Corinthians 13 read, I promised to always be there for him by demonstrating love that did not make a record of wrongdoings. What had I done Now he was dead and I was navigating emotions I had never felt before. I was confused. My friends were throwing a celebration. Not only did I suffer his hit, slaps pushed his unverbal abuses for 12 years the ensuing years after I left him. He remained very dangerous. All of my social media was on lockdown, my mail sent to an address he couldn't trace, code words with friends if he showed up. My life had been a constant hypervigilance since leaving him in 2007. My physical body responded with relief, with tension releasing from parts of me I didn't even know existed. But my heart was shattered Because, see, he died alone. He died of a fentanyl overdose. He is a statistic. I still can remember that call like it was yesterday Again.

Speaker 1: 7:20

I was back in 1997 on our wedding day where I promised first Corinthians love. The thought of him dying alone haunted me and my heart was shattered in millions of pieces. It begged a question for me did I really love him? Had I kept a record around wrongdoings? Did I share Jesus enough with him? Would he be in heaven? As I remembered my wedding day, I couldn't believe that, a day that had finally come, or someone picked me, finally picked to love, or so I thought. I was 25 years old and, as I stood in front of family, I determined to change. Indeed, if I did, he would love me and stop hitting me. That hot day in June began a season of my life that I would not choose, but I would not change.

Speaker 1: 8:13

In the ensuing years all 12 of them life got dark for me. I soon learned I was not going to earn John's love and nothing I could do was going to make him stop hitting me. But I loved him. I knew that, and on the day that I found out he died was one of the saddest days of my life. When I got the phone call, I sat in the middle of my dark living room, unable to move, and tears rolled the night. I sent text messages to my friends John is dead. Those were the only three words that I could utter as I thought about each of those 12 years we spent together. The good memories seemed to overtake the bad memories and while I was sad on my deepest parts, I never intended on returning to that marriage. But I did have hope that he would find grace in Jesus, the ultimate picture of love, the perfect kind of love, the love that was available for me.

Speaker 1: 9:04

On that day, as my pain reached the deepest parts of me, I was confused. Should not be happy? The resounding answer to that is no. I realized that God had gifted me with the understanding that non-Augapé love, like Phylos' love, or the erotic love that we see in romantic love should look like 1 Corinthians 13. And I remain committed to that.

Speaker 1: 9:27

When I was in college, a friend of mine asked me to give her one word for love. My answer to her was final. I do not believe that if you love with 1 Corinthians 13, love you love regardless of how the person has treated you and especially if they have harmed you. The commitment to this permanent love for him confused me and even enraged people around me who love me, because all they saw was the monster. I'm gonna get that because that's all they showed them. They were the ones picking up pieces from domestic violence as it played out through hospitalizations and horrific PTSD symptoms. But in my heart I had forgiven him, and that is a story too long to tell here, but I will link that in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 10:05

All I knew is that on that day, february 10, 2018, I felt like I went from a divorcee to a widow. That is how committed I remained to that day, june 28, 1997, when he and I stood in front of God and our family and friends and promised first Corinthians 13 kind of love. But this man hurt me here at the deepest parts of me, much of which produce health issues that I still deal with today. And every time one of those reminders comes up, I'm reminded of the grace that God gave me to love him anyway. Does it make me a good person? I want to read that again the grace that God gave me to love him anyway Because, you see, I am just as confused as my friends with my solid commitment and love to John Watson, who is no longer on this planet. I can only know that this was put inside of me by the one who modeled unconditional love for us. What an amazing God that we serve in the sense that he chooses to love us anyway. I could not be more grateful. Not only does he choose to love us anyway, but he chose to come to earth. He chose to give his life to remove the barrier between us and the Father. He tore the veil, he chose to love us with perfectly completed agape love, and this is just as mind blowing to me as my continued love for John Watson is to you.

Speaker 1: 11:33

We see, love will change a person. Love and bitterness will clash in the ring and we will, and we get to choose which of those will win that fight. It may mean we have to stay in the ring for more rounds than we feel that we're capable of. But if I had one word for anyone listening to this that has been harmed, it would be this If you still feel love for them, it's not only okay, but it is in fact the definition of 1 Corinthians 13 love. Love keeps no records of wrongdoings. Many of us, at any given time in our lives, would hate that verse, but we can't take it out of the Bible, and so we have some decisions to make. Will we acknowledge that love doesn't go away with bad behavior? Because, you see, if we didn't love those who harmed us, then it wouldn't hurt us so much and cause so many issues in our lives. We often, though present in the world angry, and as often has been quoted on this podcast, anger is fear's bodyguard. We must address those fears, and what better way to do that than to lean into the perfect love of Jesus, whose love, by very nature, dispels fear and replaces it with the peace of the perfectly completed love of Jesus. I can't wait to go to heaven one day after Jesus.

Speaker 1: 12:44

Probably one of the first people I will look for is John Watson. My love for him is intact and is a scandalous. As that may sound to you, it is a story God chose to tell in my life, and so I was sad. Again. This year, when we flip the calendar again, he was 52 years old, the very age I am right now. His life was cut short by his behaviors and a result of his own trauma is not lost on me that John Watson needed to hear what I say to you every time I leave this microphone. Replace John's name with the people that are hurting you that you still love, that you're confused by the fact that you still love them, because John deserve to hear these words to John Watson you are seen, john Watson. You were known, john Watson, you were heard, john Watson, you were loved. And, john Watson, you are valued. You are poor decisions didn't take that away. We had Stephen Curtis Chapman's song I Will Be here saying at our wedding I like to think of days like these, even though we are separated by death. I am here for him.

Speaker 1: 13:48

As I tell you this story, I am so incredibly grateful for the perfect love of Jesus, which radically changed my life and helped me understand 1 Corinthians 13 love. It hurts to love those who hurt us, and for that we land at the foot of the cross because, as I say it all the time on this podcast, we do not serve a high priest who is unfamiliar with our sufferings. The simple fact is, every time we send against him, he chooses to love us anyway with perfectly complete love, giving us the ability to cast out all fear that threatens to take us down. Will we choose to lean in to that perfect love and will we choose to love others, even those who have harmed us with 1 Corinthians 13 love.

Speaker 1: 14:39

I realize this is a challenge to many of you, as you listen and you don't understand and you're saying but Amy, you don't understand. And you're right, I don't. I have not been given the grace to walk your journey, but you have. And I know that God would not put a verse in the Bible or a passage of Scripture in the Bible, as he did in 1 Corinthians 13, if he didn't give us the ability to live that out. And my encouragement to you on this day that we celebrate love is to lean into the perfect love of Jesus so that you can model it to those around you. In a dark world who looks at you and says why, how can she still, can he still love after all that they've been through? Because the answer to that question, listener, is the completed work of Jesus on the cross, and I do not want to leave this microphone without giving you the opportunity to click on that contact Amy button.

Speaker 1: 15:29

If you want to know Jesus, the star of the story, I would love to introduce you to him because his perfect love for you is completed and you have never been more loved than you are right now. No matter what you're battling, no matter what the skeletons in your closet, you are perfectly loved by a perfect God who will help you live out. 1 Corinthians 13 love. Happy Valentine's Day, guys. You are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are valued and, yes, you are perfectly, completely loved by the God of the universe.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Hey guys, I hope that you enjoyed that deeply personal episode. We will be back here in two weeks as we continue our series on faith and trauma. Thank you for listening and, again, if you have not followed or subscribed to the podcast, we would love it if you would do that today. If you would like to follow us on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter, we would love to stay connected with you. We also have a Facebook group that has become more like a family. The Wednesdays with Watson podcast Facebook group. All of that information will be in my link tree on the contact. Amy, I will see you guys in two weeks.

Speaker 2: 17:18

So we move like you. So let my life be one more time. And when my hope is fading, and when will these two assail me? I will remember how you you never fail me. You have pulled me out from the depths. You have saved me from certain death. You have shown yourself faithful to me over and over Jesus. So let my life glorify you and teach me to walk beside you. I want to be more like you, so let my life be one more by you, more by you.