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Wednesdays With Watson: Faith & Trauma Amy Watson- PTSD Patient-Trauma Survivor
Welcome to "Wednesdays With Watson," a compassionate and insightful podcast dedicated to exploring the complex journey of healing from PTSD, the role of faith in recovery, and the profound impact of trauma on our lives. Hosted by Amy Watson, a passionate advocate for mental health and a trauma survivor, this podcast aims to provide a safe and empathetic space for listeners to learn, share, and find hope.In each episode, we delve deep into the multifaceted aspects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its far-reaching effects. We bring you riveting personal stories of resilience, recovery, and transformation and expert interviews with psychologists, therapists, faith leaders, and individuals who have walked the path of healing.Our mission is to break mental health stigma and encourage open dialogue about PTSD and trauma. We explore the profound connection between faith, spirituality, and mental well-being, offering insights into how one's faith can be a powerful source of strength and healing.Whether PTSD, faith, or trauma has touched you or someone you know, "Wednesdays With Watson" is here to inspire, educate, and provide practical tools for navigating the healing journey. Join us on this empowering quest towards reclaiming peace, resilience, and a renewed sense of purpose.Today, subscribe to our community of survivors, advocates, and compassionate listeners. Together, we can heal our hearts and find the path to recovery, one episode at a time.
Wednesdays With Watson: Faith & Trauma Amy Watson- PTSD Patient-Trauma Survivor
Charting the Course of Healing: A Personal Odyssey Through Trauma, Faith, and Redemption
Embarking on a voyage of vulnerability, I open the treasure chest of my past where childhood trauma and the search for faith intertwine. Lydia Garner graciously steps into the interviewer's seat for this anniversary edition of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast, navigating through the waters of my personal narrative. Together, we unveil the intricate patterns of loss and abuse, but more prominently, the redemptive power of the gospel that has been my beacon of hope. The steadfast figures who've anchored me in trust and the scriptures that have been my compass through the darkest storms are shared with immense gratitude.
The voices from my church community resonate throughout our conversation, highlighting the male figures who, against the backdrop of my traumatic experiences, helped me to rebuild trust brick by brick. We recount the moments of betrayal and the resilience forged in the sanctuary of faith, as well as the guiding light of educators like Mama Gallen who propelled me toward academic peaks I never dreamed reachable. The narrative thread weaves through poignant memories, transformative relationships, and the sanctuary of scripture, demonstrating the relentless pursuit of healing and the embrace of a community that reflects Christ's love.
As the sails are set towards a horizon of trauma-informed education, we celebrate the milestones reached and the journey ahead. Gratitude overflows for the listeners, supporters, and friends who have accompanied me on this four-year odyssey, and for the new chapter that beckons with the promise of a doctorate focused on the intersection of faith and healing. This episode not only honors the voyage thus far but also sets course for the opportunities that await to spread hope and to continue fostering connections through storytelling. Join us, as each chapter unveils a part of my heart and the unwavering commitment to helping others find their way to healing.
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April 22, 2024
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Hosted by Amy Watson, a passionate advocate for mental health and a trauma survivor, this podcast aims to provide a safe and empathetic space for listeners to learn, share, and find hope. In each episode, we delve deep into the multifaceted aspects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its far-reaching effects.
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Hey everybody and welcome to the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. If you have landed on this podcast for the first time, you are in for a treat. This is our 121st episode and our fourth anniversary, and a little bit of execution on my part during COVID. Here we are, four years later and 120 episodes. This podcast is listened to all around the world and I am so grateful. I am grateful for the medium but, more importantly, I'm grateful to Jesus, who has given me the ability to get behind the mic and hopefully help a few people with the truth of the gospel, while helping you understand the science of trauma. I love the verse in First Thessalonians where the Bible says faithful is he who calls you who will also do it.
Speaker 1:So today, lydia Garner questions me. I've stopped telling my story publicly about four years ago and I did that for good reason, because I needed to heal. But many of you may be listening to this podcast and wonder why I care and why I do what I do. Well, today you'll find out, as Lydia asked me some really insightful questions. It was an amazing conversation. I am recording this in April of 2024.
Speaker 1:And this episode with Lydia was recorded about a month ago and so, as I am speaking into this mic right now, we are still very much shocked in our world at the untimely death of Mandisa. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that it doesn't strike home. While we don't know how she died, we know that she battled with anxiety and depression, and that she died way too young, and so that's why I do what I do, and so hopefully today you will understand why my heart is the way it is and why I care as much as I do. So let's drop into this episode where Lydia Garner takes over the mic for the fourth anniversary of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast.
Speaker 2:Well, Amy, I guess I'm going to be asking you the questions today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so how's that feeling for you? Oh look, I'm already asking you a question.
Speaker 2:It feels pretty daunting, but I am excited and we're just chatting. That's what we're doing.
Speaker 1:Just having a conversation between friends.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I had asked you some questions about your story because it's interspersed amongst all of your older podcasts and we decided that let's get it into one, just the gist at least, because it's a pretty long and lots of things going on. So one of the things that I'm not 100% on is how do you, when you're telling your story, you know they talk about a 30 second elevator pitch or something like that. How do you sort of sum it up, just to start, and then we'll go a little bit more into it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, great, great question. And I've had to, as you can imagine, learn to do that over the years. So when I talk to people, I say that I am a survivor of everything from childhood abuse, from pre-verbal age to domestic violence and everything in between, and that's kind of the cliff, cliff, cliff notes, just kind of indicating that from the time the earliest time that I can remember, until the time I was 35, with the exception of some years that I spent in a children's home and college, those were some good years my life has been filled with trauma and loss, trauma and loss, trauma and loss as though it's never going to stop. And so your question is a valid one, because there is a breadth of all of it, and sometimes I even forget things, but by and large I tell people that the Lord has been faithful to redeem essentially my whole life and all of these losses, and that I wouldn't choose some of those things, also wouldn't change them.
Speaker 2:Right, wow, and I think that there are going to be some tears today, because it's hard for those of us like me who had a very safe childhood, to even begin to comprehend that. I know that I've seen what God has done in your life, and so I'm excited to share that. So when you were a child, where were you born? Where did you grow up?
Speaker 1:Which is where our connection comes from. Actually, I was born and raised in Jacksonville, florida, which is affectionately known as Southern Georgia, and so for those of you, all of you who are new listeners from New Zealand, from that continent, that is on the east coast of the United States, on the tippity top of Florida, and so I am a native Floridian, which is a little bit weird. Most people just move here and I was born and raised here.
Speaker 2:Nice, and so was I. That's right, jacksonville, yeah, and so did you have any siblings? I don't actually know that.
Speaker 1:Great question. Yes, so I grew up with until we were separated, removed by the state of Florida, with my sister Lisa, who is three years older than I am, and then my mom, who is a daughter of a brigadier general, ran away when she was 19 years old and had two kids, and their names are Elizabeth and Kathy, and I didn't know. I knew about them, but I had never met either one of them until just a couple years ago, because my mom did not keep any of us and so their dad raised them, she abandoned them and you never knew where they were. And so in all I have, on my mom's side I have three half sisters, and on my dad's side I have three half sisters, and I I I know one of my dad's sisters very well and the other two kind of, but all in all six half sisters, no whole siblings, but six half sisters, but grew up with my sister Lisa, who experienced much of the same trauma that I did, but, yeah, just one, one sister, three years older than I am that.
Speaker 2:I grew up with just one, one sister, three years older than I am, that I come with. Yeah, that is a lot more siblings than I realized, but I understand the the distance and so I. So you had childhood abuse and that started young. Did you have your father in the home?
Speaker 1:another great question. I, my dad, was. Both my parents were older when I was born. My mom mom was 38. My dad probably 10 years older than that, and he was a raging alcoholic and so by the time I even remember, I don't ever remember living with him. I remember seeing him a couple times, but he died of a mass, his fifth heart attack when he was just a little bit older than I am right now, so soon I will have outlived both of them.
Speaker 1:Few memories I have of him are good, outside of the fact that that I. I do remember him drinking all the time, but he wasn't violent, he was just kind of obnoxious. My mom but my mom tried to keep us from him told us he wasn't safe. She had remarried already, and so I didn't know my dad well, and that is something that I I struggle with sometimes, because when I look in the mirror I don't know what came from. Who has you know? I didn't know him really well, and so it's fun when I do get around people who know him, which is just my half sisters, who go oh you're, you're just like dad. You know, you got that outgoing gregariousness from from our dad, or you got this from from our dad. I know he was a mechanic, lydia, and I did not get anything from him because I was in my thirties when I learned righty, tighty, lefty, lucy.
Speaker 1:But it's such a good question, and the reason why it's such a good question is because, if I were to list some of the struggles that I have with my relationship with God, is because I don't really know what that, that paternal safety, feels like. I've had some people stand in gaps, for sure, but not when I was younger, and so I don't know what it's like to have a dad in your life and to protect you. And so I've, in some sense, an exception and we can talk about the children's home, but with the exception of that time and dad McGowan, who passed away last June and devastated me because he was the closest to a father figure for me. But this is a point that nobody ever asked me, actually, and is one of the things that I struggle with the most, because I just don't know what that's like to be. Oh, you're right, there are gonna be tears. I don't know what it's like to feel safe and regard.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Being picked up and held or being protected, because I didn't get that in my marriage either, and so in so many parts of my life it feels like I'm and even on this particular day where I'm feeling this, where I'm feeling in a world all alone, with no parents and very real fears about provision and those kinds of things because that those things happen, they actually happened, and so there's no one for me to pick up the phone and call and say hey, dad, what do you think about this? That is, that's a pain point for me that I didn't, wasn't able to uncover because of all the other trauma. But, yeah, that lack of paternal understanding, safety and then the fact that God is my father and so relating to him, and that people who have good fathers can be like God is like my dad, except for perfect Right and so I struggle in that arena for sure.
Speaker 2:I'm sure. I'm sure, and that's a discussion I've had with friends before when we were working through the book Lies Women Belief, and one of them is God is not my father Like, as in God is not who my father was.
Speaker 1:Right. What a great book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and working through that and just being like for me, as you said, I have a really good dad, I have a great father and a really good relationship, and so it's something that I can't fully comprehend and so it's easier for me to understand God. But I understand, through talking to friends who didn't have that safety and that security, how challenging that is to make that connection that God is good and safe when you haven't had that. And it is definitely something that I've seen friends work through. And just last week we were at a funeral for some friends who lost their father and he long ago wasn't safe and God did change him and he became a good father, but that I was sitting next to my dad at the funeral and that was, you know, as I was listening to their testimonies and I was realizing, looking around, I was the only person with their dad in the room.
Speaker 1:And these friends that lost their dad are my age and my dad has had health issues to where he could have died several times by now, and he and I were both pretty emotional in that moment, as it just kind of hit us Like wow, we're here and I'm just so thankful it is a gift and I'm just so thankful it is a gift and I do hope that people take from this episode what a gift that is, because it's rare.
Speaker 1:I mean, lots of people have their dads physically present in their lives, but to have one like I can just see your dad in that moment sitting next to you, you know, with his arm around you while you're mourning the loss, and I have no concept like zero, zero concept of what that's like, because when I was in the children's home I wouldn't let the amygdala touch me. So I have no concept of what somebody having my back is like, with the exception of friends, because I don't have family, you know, and so that's a, that's a, that's a trauma mark that I don't think, I often think about. I wouldn't have ever thought about it unless you asked that question.
Speaker 2:I wish I could give you that. I wish I could share my dad. I'm glad that he had a positive impact in your life. You, you know, even if briefly in your life. I'm thankful for that. So the men that you did have in your life, what sort of impact did they have on your view of men in general? Because you did eventually get married, which is amazing anyway after all that you had gone through. So tell me about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So it was weird, because my mom's brother, who's my uncle, lloyd, who is the reason, one of the reasons why I'm sitting here today Amazing, amazing man, not a Christian. I think he would have said that he was a Christian, but he was a. He was steady, a steady, loving presence in my life and I remember just being how excited I would be when I would get to see him, because every other man, literally every other man until age 10, took something from me, locked me in a room, starved me, hit my mom, hit us, and so my view of men in general.
Speaker 1:I was abused seven different sexual abusers and so my view of men as a young child, as young amy was I'm just put on this, on this planet, for you guys to do whatever you want to do. They certainly were never safe and I would have never thought to have, if I was getting kidnapped, even to call I don't know who I would have called before age 10. But I just looked at men as better than me, higher than me, more worthy than me. Their needs mattered more than mine. I looked at men as people who would that I would never be good enough for. We would. I joke. We referenced my sister, lisa, when she brought home a C from school. We had a party. When I brought home a C from school, I got beat within an inch of my life and so I thought that was just the way it went. I thought you know what? I'm a throwaway kid. I remember thinking that Lydia, from a very young age okay, this is my story, because I don't have my very first memory in this world is a traumatic memory, and so my view of men in that time period was just you guys are better than I am. I have stuff you want you get to take it. So I'm just your property, I'm just a piece of meat for you in this world.
Speaker 1:And then when I started going to church and I wish I could find Keith and Lori Lingerfeld were the junior church pastors when I first got to Victory, and I remember being terrified of Brother Keith, as we called him, but I remember just kind of looking, even even at 10 years old, with my head cocked, like you're different. And then there were. Then there was Buddy Key. I don't know if you know Buddy Key at Victory, but he was one of my teachers. And then, of course, your dad, who was my youth pastor, and so it was interesting because in those milus, in those environments, I didn't look at them like I did at like I didn't think that they thought I was a piece of property. Now I had one eye open like, but you might fool me, but those people began brother Don Sayers, who was the person that knocked on my door and said you want to go to church? I have some candy those people began to show me that it wasn't always like that.
Speaker 1:And then, when I got to the children's home with dad McGowan, who realized that he was experiencing that kid, who thought that I wanted something from him, and and so he actually created something that I could do for him that did not include being beat or abused. And so we would travel and sing to churches, very similar to the way missionaries raise money. And so eight weeks in the summer we would travel and sing to churches, very similar to the way missionaries raise money. And so eight weeks in the summer we would travel. And Dad McGowan called me on the PA system on the Greyhound bus one day. He said, amy, can you come to the front of the bus? I need to talk to you. And I was terrified.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I make my way up there and he's sitting on one side of. So you know, in a Greyhound bus there's two rows of seats. He's sitting on one side, I'm sitting, or Mama Gal is sitting on the other, and I kneel between them and he said I'm wondering if you can do something for me. Yeah, yeah, yes, sir, and I knew in my mind I was okay because Mom was right beside me. He said you know, when I preach, my mouth gets dry and I need some water.
Speaker 1:And I just wonder if you would mind, every night putting some water on the wool pit for me.
Speaker 2:And I did that for eight years.
Speaker 1:And slowly but surely, that man made his way into my heart. He was so gentle, so kind, but more than that so Christ-like. So fast forward until June of last year and Dad McGowan is 94 years old and I get a phone call and they said he's taken a fall. He had been falling a lot, but this time is probably it's probably not going to make it through it. So I rushed to the hospital and I walked in and his eyes light up and he thanked me for coming and and and I stayed there quite some time. And during the time I was there they ascertained that he could not swallow and so they're going to be removing liquids and food. But before they told him that, he said Amy, amy called me from the other side of the hospital room and I came over. Yes, sir, yes, dad. He said remember you were my cupbearer at the children's home. I said, yeah, dad, I remember. He said can you sneak me some water? Can you swab my mouth? Can you be my cupbearer one last time? And that's who he was.
Speaker 1:And somewhere along the way I ceased to believe that all men were bad, between Ray Dunning and Garth Piper and Keith Lingreelt and Buddy Key and Don Sayers, and these are all people in the church that came out of the church into the ghetto for a kid like me. Now I will say to you I think it's an interesting question because a lot of people ask me why I haven't dated since I got divorced, because I am terrified. There's a part of me that still believes that because and I'm sure you'll ask me about this but yes, I did get married. It did not go well. So now the adult version of Amy is I can't trust anybody. I'm not about to get married again, just to live in a home that is a war zone. Again, just to live in a home that is a war zone. So the long answer to your question is.
Speaker 1:I am learning in this season of my life that the only men and I air quote that because I mean women too that I should be looking to for any sort of assessment of the way mankind is doesn't exist. There's one man that walked this earth, and we're recording this in Holy Week. There's one man that walked this earth that I try to make my one, and only because I do believe that he is my ever present help in trouble and that he will never leave me or forsake me. But yet I still struggle with that father relationship. And so for me, lydia, this is a I call it a walk back. And so you know, no, god's not like that. God doesn't want to hurt me, god is for me, god loves me, god is not going to harm me. And then, of course, indicting in this other part of my brain is yeah, but then why did he put all those other men in your life? And answer that question.
Speaker 1:But in this season of my life, I'm not sure. All my friends are praying. They're like you're going to get married and live happily ever after, and I'm, like, you know, not really on the bingo card for me, like I just not something that I'm I'm pursuing, and every time I sort of try to pursue it, I literally get sick to my stomach. It's just. I'm terrified. So some healing still needs to happen there.
Speaker 1:So it's a very long answer to that question, but most men in my life took things from me that I could never get back, and unless the Lord decides to remove it from my memory and remove triggers from it, then this is a burden that I have to yoke to Jesus' ox, to his yoke, because I can't, I just can't, because no man feels safe to me in this very moment. And so I love my Uncle Lloyd, though he's a good man. He loved me and paid for me to go to Victory Christian Academy, and is a big reason why I'm sitting here today. He was not like those people, but men did nothing but beat me and abused me for the better part of my life. And so it's interesting because I follow you so closely on Facebook and I love the way your family does life and I love the way Cam just even in pictures you can tell what a nurturing, loving human he is.
Speaker 3:And father he is, and.
Speaker 1:I always kind of look at situations like that and go man, I wonder what that's like. And I know it's not perfect. I'm not trying to say your marriage is perfect or Cam's perfect or anybody's perfect, but I don't know what that's like. I don't know what it's like to live in harmony with a man who loves me unconditionally. I don't know what that's like.
Speaker 2:I thank you for those answers. I know that was really hard, as you sort of processed safety and men and on that note, when you went to church I know that right now there's a lot of stuff going on Did you have safety in church?
Speaker 1:99% of the time. But there was a one time and that I was in junior church, so I was not even in high school yet. So I'd been going to church there for a few years in the bus ministry and there were two bus captains that went into Springfield. There was mine and then there was this other man and my friend and I did not feel well and so our junior church leader said you guys go, you can go lie down on the bus. And so we both did, and this man came onto the bus and then just did what he did right there in the church parking lot. And that was not my last abuser, but getting close, it was at that point.
Speaker 1:I was so broken because this had been a safe place, and I wish that I would have told somebody then.
Speaker 3:But yeah.
Speaker 1:I am one of those. I would have told somebody then. But yeah, I am one of those, but I did not. Unlike what's going on here in the States, a lot of these people who are abused in the church did tell somebody in the church and then and they just swept it over.
Speaker 1:Now I will tell you that I went back many years later, after I graduated from college and taught at Victory Christian Academy, and the pastor that was there at that time I asked to meet with he and his wife and I, and because that man was still in that church, still sitting in that same spot I don't think he was still working with children, but he was still in the church and I taught at the school and, um, I was 22 and I went to the pastor and his wife and I said, look, I know this was a long time ago. Two, and I went to the pastor and his wife and I said look, I know this was a long time ago, but this happened and he's still sitting in your church and they didn't do anything about it. So I don't that one broke me in a way because it was connected to God in my brain.
Speaker 1:It's like this is a man that brings hundreds, if not thousands, of kids to church a year, and even sitting here talking to you now I'm pretty sure he's not with us anymore, but how many of us were there and that's tough, yeah, it's tough, but yeah, he was one of the seven abusers and, um, I, I made contact with that friend of mine on facebook sometime last year before I lost my page because I would just remember her name out of nowhere and she went down a dark path of all the things. And I'm not saying it's because of that, but it certainly could have helped and so that was. You know, it was right along the time and I was just like you know what. I didn't say these words to God, lydia, but bring it, because I don't want somebody else to have to go through this. I'm already ruined. I, I don't want somebody else to have to go through this. I'm already ruined, I am spoiled. I'll never be anything. God, you certainly won't ever use me because I'm dirty and not worthy.
Speaker 1:Because you have to understand that during this time for our generation, in an attempt to get us to just behave ourselves, they scared the crap out of us with sexual purity messaging. Scared the crap out of us with, with with sexual purity messaging. So you can imagine a kid that had been abused seven times going to church, hearing this, not understanding that those two things weren't the same abuse and and choosing to engage in those activities are to do two very different things, and so lots of guilt, lots of shame, and that's why I think I married john watson, because I think I couldn't get any better, like I was never the girl that said, hey, I'm going to get married, I was just trying to survive. And I met him. It was like, okay, well, somebody will have me, so let me marry him. And then I entered a whole nother level of trauma and hurt and pain and stuff that I still pay for to this day.
Speaker 1:So it's important for survivors out there who are hearing us, or if you have children who have been abused and if statistics are right, at least in North America, one out of every four women have been it's really important to help survivors know that it's not their fault. Little brains can't wrap their head around that. And even today, sometimes even telling you this story, I'm like man, I should have known better to go lay on that, that. And even today I sometimes even telling you this story, I'm like man, I should have known better to go lay on that bus. And that's Satan in my ear, right, absolutely. I was 12 years old, I was in a church park and I had every reason to assume I was going to be okay. So that was tough. And then it was particularly tough when I went back and told them and they didn't do anything about it.
Speaker 2:Oh sure, and you were still teaching. How much longer were you there?
Speaker 1:I taught that one year and I preached out of there and unfortunately I kind of threw out the peace sign to the church period for a decade, just because I was so tired of being hurt and that blame all went to God. I was like you know what, I don't need this. If I'm going to continue to be hurt, then I'm not going to go to church and give my money and my time and all the things. And so for a decade I didn't, until I had a gun put to my head one night, one Saturday night. I'll never forget. I thought to myself you know what? There's that church down there in the corner. Maybe I should go, I wonder, maybe I should go.
Speaker 1:I got back into church in one of the darkest times of my life and I jumped forward a little bit, but I'm sure you'll ask about that. So I think, had they responded differently, had they even made me feel seen and heard and valued, instead, it appeared as though keeping things copacetic and quiet and under wraps was more important to them than the potential that they had to help me heal by being not only a listening ear but being an active listener and bringing him the church discipline or whatever. I don't know that they didn't believe me. I don't know, but it did set off a cascade of a myriad of poor decisions on my part, chief of which was getting out of church.
Speaker 2:I think that's very understandable. I think that that would have been a very, very difficult situation and I think anybody would have seen that and been like, no, I'm not having any part of this. I don't think that was an unreasonable response in that moment. This I don't think that was an unreasonable response in that moment. And it is so sad when you hear those stories of things not being dealt with and we are very pro things being dealt with, Right and so how did you get to the point? So you went to Bible college.
Speaker 1:I went to Clearwater Christian College, which was yeah, I mean, it is a Bible college, but it was also a fully accredited liberal arts school. And so I back up just a second because this is kind of important to set up. This part of the conversation is so I was removed from my mom by the state of Florida after her live-in boyfriend was my seventh abuser user and I went to church and told Gail Dunning that set off a cascade of events that removed me from her home, and so I was in Gail and Ray Dunning's home for 18 months and then they placed me in a children's home in Tampa, florida, which I tell people all the time were the best years of my life and people laugh like really the best years of my life. It was the kindest thing that the Dunnings could have done for me. It was there that I began to learn about unconditional love and it was there that I had that encounter with Dad McGowan. It was there that I built and still maintain, a relationship with Mama Gowan, who will be 91 in June.
Speaker 1:But the reason why the setup of that is important is because when it came time for me to go to college, of course I had no money, no parents, no, nothing. And I had enrolled and been accepted into a college in the panhandle of Florida, pensacola Christian College, which I'm sure you're very familiar with. And again, one day, on that bus, mama Gallen called me to the front of the bus hey, amy, come here for a second. So I went up for a second. She said hey, I just want you to pray about something. I was like yes, ma'am, because I was set on going to Pensacola. Now let all podcast land know that if Amy Bodenheimer at the time would have gone to Pensacola Christian College, I would have lasted about two days before I got kicked out of there.
Speaker 1:No shade on that school. I just not, not, not, not a fit for me. But I didn't know that at the time. It's a beautiful campus and I had no idea how I was going to pay for it, but had been accepted into their pre-med program. And mom said I want you to pray about something. And this is where I learned to pray, by the way, as at the children's home, pray about everything. And she said would you pray about going to Clearwater Christian College? I was like where's that? She's like I was just right over the bridge and I was like yes, ma'am, I'll pray. So I did. I prayed about it and got a letter from Clearwater Christian College with a full ride, four-year scholarship. Shout out to Ben Puckett and Dr Arthur Steele, who founded Clearwater Christian College.
Speaker 1:So I went to Clearwater Christian College on a four-year full-ride scholarship, worked at the children's home while I was in college, but time of my life, loved it there. The school shut down in 2015 and it broke all of our hearts, but I loved it there. Received my bachelor's degree in biology with a minor in Bible and education, but went there for four years. But by the fourth year I was 22 and knew it all, like all 22-year-olds, and left the children's home, went back to Jacksonville and then life went sideways again. But yeah, that was so. Shout out to anybody listening who was part of that Michael Bryant since this is the podcast anniversary episode is an opportunity for me to some shout outs Michael Bryant, who was a financial aid advisor at Clearwater Christian College. Yeah, full ride scholarship. Walked away from there with zero student debt and a fancy degree.
Speaker 2:Wow. And so you said that you went and taught at Victory. So what were you teaching?
Speaker 1:I taught Bible, science and math. Sixth grade. Bible, science and math Wow, I loved it. You know, the one thing I don't like about organized teaching is the 730 am you need to be in front of kids and make sense. I know it's time for you right now. So that's always been a struggle for me in teaching in the classroom. But yeah, I taught science, history and math, loved it, loved the kids. As a matter of fact, a couple months ago I got a Facebook request from one of my students. I mean, this was like 1994. This kid's in his 30s.
Speaker 1:Hey, ms Bodenheimer, I was in your sixth grade class, in your sixth grade class, you know, and so we were in that old, old building those, those are victory listeners that are listening where the catwalk went over to the add on building, that was where my classroom was. It was. It was surreal being back there, but I had just come from Clearwater Christian College, which wasn't quite as conservative as victory probably still is, and so it was a little bit of a culture shock for me. In that way, it was kind of kind of cool being back there. There were very few people that I knew. The Reynolds were there that I knew. Gary Wheeler is another one, his wife Barbara they just keep coming to me the painters, their daughter Dawn, who now goes by Marilyn, was a really good friend of mine.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I digress, I could go all day long thanking people at that church and I think that's something important to point out here is, yeah, I had a pretty significant traumatic event there, but that is eclipsed by Lydia, all the things. I can close my eyes. I see those red pews and I think they're still there, and the music director who, who at the time his name was Bob Stewart, leading us in some of the hymns that ministered to my heart in the darkest times. The one I'm thinking of right now is Jesus, jesus, how I love you. But I love that lyric. Oh for grace to trust you more. So I was under the word right. I remember there was this. There was this pastor at at Bill Rice Ranch. His name was under the word right. I remember there was this pastor at Bill Rice Ranch. His name was Jerry Savinsky. He was from Russia.
Speaker 2:His son is coming to my house in a couple of weeks.
Speaker 1:Okay, so you got to tell him this story. Oh, my word, this man was an amazing preacher, but he had this Russian accent and he had us memorize this scripture and I cannot remember the address, as Dad McGowan would call it, but the verse was this if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. But to hear him say it in that Russian accent was so cool. We loved it every time. But yeah, he was an amazing sat under amazing, amazing preaching at Bill Rice Ranch, Camp Maranatha, which is where the little kids went before we got old enough to go to Bill Rice Ranch, and so this local church, Victory Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida, continues to be the theme in this conversation in these early years. Right, I know Jesus because of them. I know lots of scripture because of them.
Speaker 1:We were going to Tennessee Temple University in a competition and it was your dad, as a matter of fact, and he said, guys, he said this is the way we win this competition. We're like, okay, tell us how to win this competition, because we are a bunch of people competitors. He said they're going to ask you guys questions on the book of James, and the way it was set up was there were cens sensors on the seats, and so whoever stood up first got to answer. And so Mr Piper said guys memorize the entire book of James. And so we did, and we came home with that big old trophy.
Speaker 1:So it's those things God's word, hidden in my heart through these people, that mitigated this unworthiness that I felt, this throwaway kidness that I felt. And as I sit here and talk to you, I'm thinking think of all the men that did have positive influences in my life. It's because they had one goal, and that was they wanted me to know Jesus, and I think your dad wanted that trophy. We all did. To this day I still, if you get me started, I probably could quote most of the book of James.
Speaker 2:That's a good one to quote. I was just reading it this morning. Actually, on my phone at the moment is James 1.
Speaker 1:So I will say that, and for those of you who are listening, who are in charge of children, first of all, you need to understand that some of them may be coming from trauma. You may be at the safe place, like it was for me. But secondly, do not underestimate the power of the word of God, who is alive and powerful and working in us, sharper than any two-edged sword, able to correct, able to lead, guide, direct all the things. Because for those 10 years, Lydia, and the nights when I would lay in my bed after being beat by my husband, that was the stuff that was coming to my mom. It was scripture that I memorized. He collects every tears. I remember the story of Job, and all of this was because the local church cared enough for a throwaway kid, as I air. Quote it to go.
Speaker 2:you're valuable and because of that, in the darkest times of my life, I know scripture and it has been such a bomb to my soul as I live with the repercussions of a lifetime of trauma, and so I'm grateful knowing scripture is massive and I think that it's not done as much today and I know I certainly don't do it as much as I did when I was a child, but I'm glad I got in as much as I did when it was easier. Yeah same.
Speaker 2:But I had that when we lost Zeke, when I grieved and when I cried, when I couldn't utter anything, god's word came as a balm to my soul. And so in that I can relate, because that was in my darkest moments of just ache heartache, just total loss. And yet God's truth would override any lies, and I'm so thankful for that. And even in James, in a verse I don't know if you've read lately, but the very last one in chapter one, I was just reading it right before we got on it says pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world. And I was just thinking you know, you are a widow, you are essentially fatherless.
Speaker 1:And here we are visiting my friend Chrissy says it's the orphan widow and a third one and she's like you've got the trifecta. Everybody in the church has to be in the same. So I often talk with my friends We'll go James 126, james 126. But yeah, as you infer, my abuser, my ex-husband, did die several years after we divorced and that was a whole new level of confusion and pain. But yeah, I love that scripture in James and I try to practice it myself, because that's what this ministry is about this podcast ministry, speaking ministry, whatever the Lord does with, whatever what I'm doing now and pursuing some higher education, it is for those that are on the outside looking in, and that's what I was. Most of my life was on the outside looking in. And if you were, I was. Most of my life was on the outside looking in.
Speaker 1:And if you were to ask me, amy, what's the one thing that you wanted during that time and again, even though I'm on the other side being questioned this time it's very difficult for me not to go into the mode that I'm on usually on this podcast is that if you're listening to this, I'm hoping that you're grasping the jewels of what it means to a kid to love them, because if you ask me, what would you have said you wanted to know then? And I would say on this day and we're recording this in March of 2024, it'll come out in April, Amy. What's your number one desire? Like if somebody could wave their hand and grant you one wish. What's your number one desire Like if? If somebody could wave their hand and grant you one wish, what would it be? It was really easy.
Speaker 1:I just want to be loved and I want to be loved without. I want to be loved for being Amy, for being an image bearer. I don't want to be loved because there's some toxic relationships, familial relationships, in my life, that the love is tied to what I can give and what I can do, who I am. You know, people think, because you have podcasts or some real popular famous human being and all of a sudden they're back in your lives and just me. And on this day I would answer that same question, the same way I would have locked in that prison room, as I call it, when I was three, four, five years old.
Speaker 1:I just want somebody to love me, amy. We don't want anything from you, and I have a friend who I should shout out to Cheryl Rice, who won't take from me, because she simply just wants to show me that she loves me when I have nothing to offer her. And so for those of you listening, that's all. Broken kids want Love and safety, like I love you, just because you're on this planet. See, I spent my whole life performing to get people to love me. I thought I would lose my context at victory if I broke a rule or didn't memorize the scripture or didn't do well in school. I did all of those things, so people would love me.
Speaker 1:And I wish on this day in 2024, I can look on this Zoom meeting and tell you every day of my life I wake up and know that I am fully loved, fully known, fully heard, fully valued the same thing I say to people on this podcast every two weeks. I struggle with that, and those of us with significant trauma do. I was talking to my friend Chrissy because we were talking about dating and I was like this is going to sound terrible when I tell you this, because she and I are roommates, and I was like I don't know if I want to get married again. And she said because you don't want to train somebody else on how to live with somebody with post-traumatic stress disorder. I was like there it is. There it is Like you know, my closest friends know that there are two things you can say to me that will get me through some of my darkest times.
Speaker 1:They are I love you and a close second is I'm proud of you. A close second is I'm proud of you, and what I know is that my God in heaven is both of those things for all of us. But sometimes you just need it with skin on and so having having those attachments disorders, and we can go all sciencey if you want, but not attaching properly to parental figures. When I was three and four years old and locked in a room and starved and beat and all the things left its marks, and so it's remarkable that I can attach to anybody that I can have when I was three and four years old and locked in a room and starved and beat and all the things left its marks, and so it's remarkable that I can attach to anybody that I can have close relationships, and then I can sit here and be vulnerable with my friend and say, yeah, I just want to be loved Like I don't need anything else. I would give up food, I would give up it all. If I just know that somebody loves me for who I am, not for what I can do, not for what I've been through, not because I have a podcast, not because I have accomplished anything. Amy, we love you because you're an image bearer. Hopefully there's some other things that they love me for too, but that are not related to performance, because kids like me that's what we do.
Speaker 1:We want to earn love, and so for those out there working with children, you need to keep both eyes fully open, because you never know when an Amy Watson or Bodenheimer is going to come. You guys are starting a church there in New Zealand and you never know when a child that is brought by somebody else and not a parent or even a parent, needs some intervention. And that is really where I want my life to go Is I want our churches to be trauma informed. I want our missionaries to be trauma informed. I want our teachers to be trauma informed. I want our lay people to be trauma informed, because those people at Victory weren't trauma-informed and they still did a pretty dang good job.
Speaker 1:So you imagine understanding some of the things I'm trying to explain to you guys. We need to be loved, we need to feel safe. Safety is paramount. Paramount that's the first thing we provide for children is safety, because when they're safe they can fully be them, and that's what Victory did for me in so many ways, even though I did have that one event, but that was just a very, very small fraction of my experience there, and so my heart for everyone listening to this who have children in their lives is that you would look a little bit closer, love a little bit more, love them a little bit tighter. Look for weird things, because you might be their mom a gallon, you might be their dad a gallon, you might be their only connection to anything good. And so you know my heart is beating so fast.
Speaker 1:I don't know why I tell this story all the time, but I feel like this is more, such a more organic like I can tell you my story, like like I'm giving you directions to the bank, but you're asking me questions that are making me feel it and it's driving my desire for why I even have this podcast is for people to. I don't want people to look at me lydia and go. She's got it all together. You laugh because you know me, me, you know, but there are some people who don't know me. Thanks, wow, I can never. I can never get over my stuff like she did. Yeah, you can step by step, day by day, but not without Jesus, not without him.
Speaker 2:And with that, one of the things that I wanted to ask was him, and with that, one of the things that I wanted to ask was how did Jesus become a very personal part of your story?
Speaker 1:You know, I made a profession of faith when I was 10 years old. I didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus then. I didn't know what that meant. I remember, though, the day that I did that, jesus became abundantly real to me, and I was around 33 years old and I was inside this abusive marriage and he had just done what he did, and I thought it was over, and it was in the middle of the night, and suddenly I hear this click and I feel this metal on my temple, and I know there's guns in the houses. And so he is holding a flashlight and kind of pointed it at me and his finger on the trigger, and he pulled the trigger, and nothing happened, and I still, to this day, don't know whether it was empty or if it jammed. What I do know is that it wasn't my time to go. I pushed him off of me and he was drunk, and I think he actually ended up sleeping on the floor where I pushed him.
Speaker 1:That night, though, I looked up into the night and it was dark, both figuratively and literally, and I said okay, I need you to become real to me because I'm scared Nobody loves me, and if they do, it's for what I can give them. And if I remember anything about you, jesus, from the messages of my youth and from my Christian school education and my Christian college degree, I remember that you never leave or forsake us. So, lord Jesus, would you please come? And I felt a peace that I could never explain. I could not put into words and anybody who knows me knows I'm decent with words but it was like I felt like I had this hedge of protection about me that I was going to need moving forward because I left him right after that. So I moved about three and a half hours away and now I'm grieving a marriage. I'm grieving where I lived, three blocks from the beach. I now lived in an apartment that I affected, affectionately called the ghetto, and the second time I remember Jesus becoming real to me was I was standing by a closet and I've written about this and it's somewhere I don't know where. I was standing by a closet that had some t-shirts in it, and most of those t-shirts had places that we had been together, and I was so, so deep in grief which nobody understands. Everybody wanted me to be mad at him and hate him and all the things. And none of that was true. It was not part of my story and I saw the t-shirt there that when we went to Hawaii and I collapsed on the floor and I just told the Lord, I was like, please just take me, I can't, I can't deal with this pain anymore.
Speaker 1:That was the night that I took niron clonopin Not necessarily in an attempt to take my life, but I wouldn't have cared had I died. Woke up the next day, went to work, told my boss, who got one of my friends to take me to the hospital. I was admitted for five days. So in that moment, when I was on the floor in my apartment, I just cried out to him. And then, when I was in the hospital, after having taken those non-clonopin, I had a roommate whose name was Stacy, and nobody in the psych ward is an atheist. Let me tell you that Now they might not believe in our God, but nobody in the psych ward believes that they're it. You've got to believe in something bigger than you. And so, stacey.
Speaker 1:So I'd asked my friend Chrissy to bring me some pajamas in my Bible, and so I was sitting there. I was there for five days. I was sitting there just looking for anything, and anytime my heart needs to be ministered to, there's five places. I'll go to Matthew, mark, luke or John or the Psalms. And so I was reading one of the Gospels and Stacy, who was my roommate, came up to me and said what are you doing? And I told her and I said oh, let me show you this thing that I learned. I said have you ever heard a birthday verse? You know what a birthday verse is? And she said no, I don't know what that is. And I said well, a birthday verse is. You take your month that you were born and the day that you were born and you go through the entire Bible and you look and you pick your favorite verse that matches that. So I was born December the 1st, and so my birthday verse is Romans 12.1. Obviously to you, therefore, brethren, by the mercy of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto God, which is a reasonable service.
Speaker 1:So Stacey was like you know, I don't know if I really believe in this whole God thing, but what do you think my verse should be? And I said well, when's your birthday? She said my birthday's Halloween. I said okay. I said well, let's start at Matthew. I said we're likely not going to find it in the Old Testament, let's start at Matthew.
Speaker 1:And this is Matthew 1031 for Stacey in the psych, who wasn't sure that God even existed. Fear not, therefore, you are of more value than many sparrows. And she looked at me and she said is that true? And internally I'm going is that true? Is that true? That was another time that Jesus became the center point of my life, because I thought, you know, one day I'm going to stand before him for this moment. And I said to Stacy I said it's true. I said I know that's hard to understand in the psych ward, especially coming from someone here in the psych ward with you, I struggle with this too. But let me tell you, jesus is real Because while this wasn't an active suicide attempt, this was my third and I'm still here and I don't understand why either one of us have gone through the things we have but I believe that verse that I'm more valuable to him than many sparrows. And so it's been times like that. And then I've got to be honest with you. I just kind of skated my way with my relationship with the Lord until COVID happened and when I thought my business was going to be honest with you. You know, I just kind of skated my way with my relationship with the Lord until COVID happened and when I thought my business was going to be shut down.
Speaker 1:Actually, january of that year, I woke up and my friend and I were at Disney World because we're single and we can do that on New Year's Eve and where we were, I was laying in bed and I could see the fireworks the New Year's Eve fireworks for 2019, pushing us into 2020. Woke up in January of 2020 with a burden on my heart that I still can't explain to you, like I knew something had changed and I was never a person to pick a verse or pick a word of the year, and I have since, and actually I did 20. The first time I did was 2020. Sense, and actually I did 20. The first time I did was 2020. And my word for that year was expectant, with the scripture being in Ephesians, where the Bible says that he is able to do exceedingly abundantly, above all that we can ask or think. And so, as I laid there on New Year's Day, I said, okay, lord, I don't know what any of this means. I know that I'm just chipping along in my life right now.
Speaker 1:I was trying to write my memoir. At the time, I was failing at that, running a business but I was like I know you got something for me. What is it? Please tell me what it is and please enable me to do it. Three months later, the world shut down and just yesterday it popped up on my memories that I had ordered a microphone from Amazon. My friend had been harassing me. You should do a podcast. You should do a podcast. I had a blog which was like pulling teeth to get me to write, and I was like I don't even know what you're talking about. I mean, I know what a podcast is, but I don't know about any of the technical stuff. But good idea, but thanks.
Speaker 1:I was laying in my hammock in in april or march of 2020, about four years ago, and the lord said about that podcast. So these are the times I'm explaining to you. When jesus became so clear in my life and when he became the star of my story is when I stopped making the pain the star of my story, when I stopped making the ptsd the star of my story, when I stopped making the PTSD the star of my story, when I stopped making what Amy could do, what Amy had done, what Amy will do, the star of the story, when I made him the star of the story, because I realized and again this verse is in James teachers, speakers, preachers, anybody who is disseminating information that's from the Bible is held to a higher standard. And so I knew that if I was going to go forward with this podcast, that it had to be highlighting jesus as a star of the story. And as I try to live my life now, I think of one verse that somebody said to jesus in one of the gospels sir, we would see Jesus, and while I'm not perfect and my walk with the Lord is not perfect that's the cry of my heart is that I would help people see Jesus. And I'm here to tell you, lydia, and I'm here to tell the world that there isn't a way to survive without Jesus. And so there was no way that I would be sitting here today. I would still be addicted to drugs and a bunch of other things If I didn't have people pointing me to him, if I didn't have that desire to point people to him, if I didn't have the desire.
Speaker 1:I believe it's in Hebrews. It says draw near to God and he will draw near to you. And now and I don't want to sound pious when I say this, but he is the air that I breathe there's Jesus and then there's everything else. I try every morning to wake up with this prayer. First of all, thank you for waking me up. Second of all, whoever I'm supposed to minister to today, let it be your words and not mine. And third, let me just divide with you, because every day living this life, with this in my history, with a lifetime of trauma, it has the potential to be a bad day, and so I have to cling to him. I think of the verse my flesh and my heart fails, but you are Lord of my strength and my portion forever. Psalm 73, 26. The very long answer to that question is there is no other way, whether you have trauma or not, than to walk with Jesus, maybe just a little step behind, so that you have that safety that I'm talking about. You have that unconditional love that I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:There is no other way in my opinion Doesn't mean I always get it right, but I would rather not be on this planet if I had to live a life that did not include a personal relationship with Jesus. I would just rather not be here. So the very long answer to your question is Jesus became paramount in my life somewhat when I made a profession of faith. But then after that I was just a kid and a teenager. But I'll never forget that night with that gun to my head and that trigger pulled and that click and that nanosecond that I thought I was about to meet my maker and while I would have met Jesus, I would not have been ready. So I am sorry that's a very long answer to that question, but you got me talking about my favorite subject.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, thank you for sharing that, amy, and I understand that hope and that joy and that relationship with Jesus and how he is everything and how that can help you to get through the victimhood mentality to the victory. Oh, and remind me that makes me think about what you showed a little while ago, I think, on Facebook, how you had designed like a business idea for counseling services. Just tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I wish that that was sitting next to me, yeah, so my senior year of college you know, the heart wants what the heart wants, right? I was receiving my degree in biology because my whole life I wanted to be a doctor, until my sophomore year in college when I realized, no, I don't, but it was too late to change my degree. But I began taking classes and electives and things that I was really interested in, and one of them was one of those interests is psychology, and so I took a biblical counseling and training class as an elective. My senior year in college I was taught by who is somebody? Now, a really good friend of mine teaches at Cedarville University, dr Krista Witt. Shout out to her, she's another big part of my story. But one of the assignments for that class was for us to do a case study, and so I did the case study and at the end of it I wrote probably and.
Speaker 1:I almost have it memorized. Probably my biggest dream is to open Victory Counseling Center where people can come and not only learn about Jesus and be introduced to him but can also receive help for those people like me who have been harmed. And I and I called it victory counseling center gaining victory through Christ's victory. And I found that the other day got an, a minus on a 96 to 96% because she said I used too many cliches, which is so funny because I hate cliches now. But yeah, I found that and I was like huh, very interesting, very interesting, because that's exactly kind of the direction that we're headed. This, many years later, took a big 30 year detour. That was really cool to find. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Like I've always wanted to help people in this regard. Yeah, that was kind of fun to find and if I think about it all when this episode drops, I'll take a picture of it and post it again. But yeah, so, victory Counseling Center. So it could still be a thing you never know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you had your Bible college. You went and taught you got married. Yeah, so you had your Bible college. You went and taught you got married, and we've talked about that a little bit. And then how did you go about getting further education, or where are you at now with that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so when I was married because it was an abusive marriage I tried to be out of that house as much as I could. So he and I owned a business together and I worked that business but I earned my master's degree in business administration in 2002. And you know, just kind of used that in my business life and taught it for a couple of years when I first got divorced and then just kind of have. I've always again remember I told you that childhood dream was to be a doctor. But I love to learn, love, love, love to learn. And so when I started this podcast in April of 2020, as a matter of fact, this episode will drop on the 24th of April and the anniversary is the 22nd and so part of this is really an honor of that and me handing over my microphone to somebody I trust to celebrate that and to also help new listeners understand a little bit more about my story. But the more I was interviewing people, the more ill-equipped I felt to be asking them questions on the other side of the microphone and COVID was doing what COVID was doing. I own a restaurant management recruiting business, and so it certainly got hit, got hit hard, still trying to recover from that, and so I knew that I needed to do something else. Having not been married and really with no financial security at all, I knew that I needed to probably go back to school and go work for somebody else, which is going to be interesting after 30 years of working for myself. And so I poked around a few things. I thought I was going to go to nursing school, then I thought I would just work in public health, and then I was in a counseling session with Dr Pettit, who was my counselor one day and I said I do something, I just don't know what it is. And he's on his iPad looking at something. He was like how about this? And he holds up a degree program from Liberty University. It's an educational doctorate degree in trauma and community care. And when I tell you, lydia, that all the serotonin and all the dopamine just dumped, I was like that's for me. And so, as of this recording, I am 14 and a half weeks, who's counting away from finishing my coursework for my doctorate degree in educational psychology and community care, and all that will be left and I say all, and I do realize that this is a big all, but all that will be left is my dissertation after that and I'm so excited because I've already been able to be on the other side of this microphone with that knowledge and now I've got the knowledge of Jesus and I can help people understand the Bible and also have a solid understanding of trauma and how it affects kids and how it affects adults and how it affects all of us and how the church needs to be better informed, how the mission field needs to be better informed, how people need to be better informed. So I'm very excited moving forward.
Speaker 1:I have no idea what is going to happen when I finish the degree. Maybe we open Victory Counseling Center. Yeah, some exciting stuff going on. I just got an internship with the Trauma Institutes International. I'm going to help them work on a project for the Ministry of Education in Singapore, helping those teachers become trauma-informed, and so exciting, exciting things going on around here. I cannot wait. The dissertation will be a big deal, but I'm a writer and so it won't be as daunting as somebody that hasn't ever written anything.
Speaker 1:But here's the dissertation. Religious coping among trauma survivors Poland why do some people keep the faith? And I'm going to do a series of field interviews, more than I've already done, talking to people trying to understand what makes some of us stay with Jesus and what makes people indict God and turn their back from him and add to the misery that has been their entire life. What is that factor? And I would argue, before I even do the dissertation, that it is community, that it is the local neighborhood church, that it is connection, that it is dynamic relationships with others as we all journey in our own relationship with Christ, and so I'm very, very excited. I tease people. I just want to be called Dr Watson, I presume, which is super ironic because Watson is my married last name. And so here is a man who is not on this planet anymore, who tried to kill me. The Lord has built a platform using his last name. If that isn't Joel 225, I don't know what it is because somehow Wednesdays with Bodenheimer doesn't have the same ring.
Speaker 1:Dr Bodenheimer doesn't have the same ring Dr Watson, and I expect everybody to say I presume. No, I'm just kidding, but I am super excited about that. I come alive and you're hearing it in my voice already as I talk about it. I don't know what's next, but I know that I'm so excited for whatever it is, because I feel, I know that the Lord called me to go back and get this degree. I am in the thick of it right now. I mean, like my tired is tired, like I am exhausted.
Speaker 1:I'm taking three classes right now, but, yeah, really excited about getting out in the community. I want to teach the teachers, train the trainers. Those are the things that I think I'm going to end up doing. This project that I'm working for in Singapore is to. So the Trauma Institutes International has put this program in place in Singapore for the teachers and I'm writing the assessment on how well it worked and so great resume experience.
Speaker 1:For me, the internship really was a gift straight from the Lord, because I have no experience, I'm not going to be a clinician, I'm not going to be certified, because I'm too empathetic for that, and so I believe that my trauma center may in fact become a reality, as I do want people to experience the victory that I'm sitting here with right now.
Speaker 1:I do want people to experience the victory that I'm sitting here with right now, and so my goal would be to bring other professionals and biblical counselors psychologists, holistic, you know, food, nutrition all of it is so tied to our mental health, and so I don't know what's next.
Speaker 1:But I know that I am grateful to, at this age and stage of my life, to be looking forward to the great unknown and really spending whatever years I have left on this earth in this lane, hopefully, so that when I'm no longer on this planet, people go oh, we're changed because we're trauma informed, and we're trauma informed because somebody cared enough to teach us. So that's where I am now, and these days they're uncertain days, for sure. They're uncertain for so many reasons, but I'm getting the opportunity, lydia, and these days, to walk by faith, not by sight, because I have no idea what's next. Like most of my friends look at me like I'm crazy, like what were you thinking, going back to school. But I know that the Lord called me to do it and I'm almost done. Thank you, jesus. Hopefully my listeners will benefit from it on the episodes that were able to provide some insight into trauma and how to treat it, how to recognize it and, more importantly, how to introduce the story into the narrative.
Speaker 2:Well, I can tell you 100% that your podcast has already made a big difference in a lot of people's lives and it's a really powerful way. You know you think of a counseling center, or you know the dream that you have and that can be limited to a small center and it can be limited to whoever you have enough hours in the day to see, which is so limited. And yet what you've been doing here for the last four years is you've been plodding through, you've been pushing through the heartache and the heartbreak and when the Facebook page gets taken down and it seems like I've lost my progress, all this stuff God has said, look, it's mine.
Speaker 3:It's not yours.
Speaker 1:And I can grow it.
Speaker 2:But by doing it, through this, through your faithfulness in this and your hard work, that has allowed people all around the world who wouldn't have any opportunity to come to a clinic. They've been able to learn so much. And I know, even the other day, on the way to ladies retreat, I had a lady in my car and we were listening to your podcast and she's like I can't even believe it. She's like, oh, this is just answering so many questions and giving me so many more. And but sometimes people don't listen to a podcast until you know you make them and then they're like, wow, and then they're listening to so many more after that. And so it's been. You know, as you look back and I know that the devil will give you doubts, but you can remember that I've said this just now and it's going to be on the podcast that you have made an impact and you have done one day at a time and you've done one podcast at a time. And how many episodes did you say you have now?
Speaker 1:We are at 117. And thank you for that Because it is. Podcasting is difficult, you know it's not. It's not easy, it's not inexpensive. It is. It's an investment of emotional, time and energy, and so I appreciate you saying that. But I would also be remiss if I didn't say that the Lord has been so faithful to allow me the medium and he's gifted me with the. I'm not one that's usually for a loss of words, and so one of the comments I get the most is I like listening to your podcast because your voice is so soothing. That is not something that I can do. That is a gift given to me from the Lord.
Speaker 1:I got a message from somebody in New Zealand on a particular podcast that said wow, this particular episode answered so many questions. And those messages listeners, when you send them to podcasters keep us going. But this is my heart when it comes to the podcast. It's in Psalm 45, verse 1. My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite verses for my king. My tongue is the pen of a skillful writer and at the end of it all, lydia, I just want to be found faithful. I don't want to be the person that, when I get to heaven. God said I gave you this talent that you didn't use, and so I am so grateful that this podcast has been heard around the world. And I could get into the comparison game. I'm part of a Christian Podcasters Association where they're getting hundreds of thousands of downloads.
Speaker 1:This podcast doesn't get that, but what I always go back to is, first of all, it's not mine. And secondly, if you told me, hey, amy, there's this one person that needs to hear what you have to say, would you do it Absolutely, and so would I do it for that number that I see on the downloads. Of course, my prayer every day is that I would remember that this is for an audience of one, that he can take it and he can multiply it. And you mentioned my Facebook page being taken down by Facebook after 16 years and 3,000 followers. That word still makes me a little queasy in social media followers, 3,000 friends, whatever we want to call them gone. And that was the major vehicle besides Instagram that I was telling people that the podcast had existed, and the podcast has done nothing but grow since that page has been taken down. And so I was sitting in a place of repentance and, okay, god, facebook isn't God. Instagram isn't God. Twitter isn't God. You are, and I will use that platform as long as they let me and as long as they don't hide stuff from us. We will use it until we can, but we understand that it's rented land and that this podcast is his, not Facebook, not Amy's, not anybody's.
Speaker 1:And so for anybody that's been helped, I am so privileged because all I am doing is using my tongue as the pen of a skillful writer to articulate and help others tell their stories and the faithfulness of God, and so having this medium is so remarkable. I have no desire to be famous. I have no desire to be Joe Rogan. I have no desire for everybody to know my name. I have all the desire for everybody to know the name of Jesus and that one day, every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that he is Lord, and for them to hear somebody who has been through something, from being locked in a prison room when I was three years old, having a gun to my head when I was 35,. I am still here to tell you, lydia, that all of my life he has been faithful, all of my life he has been good, and I don't say those words as empty platitudes. I believe them with my whole heart, because I should not be sitting here today. I should be dead. It's that simple. And I'm not.
Speaker 1:And we're celebrating four years the Wednesdays with Watson podcast, 15 and a half weeks away from finishing coursework and I'll be an official doctoral candidate. All of my life he has been faithful and I'm so grateful for every listener over the last four years, everybody who's ever shared this podcast, everybody who has ever reached out to me, even that one person that gave me a one-star review. I am so grateful and I can't believe that I get to do this, that I get to every two weeks, get behind this microphone, whether it's with somebody else or just me, and that there are people that care enough about what is on this podcast to stick an earbud in their ear or to share it with a friend. It's mind-blowing to me. There's an old song we used to sing little is much when God is in it.
Speaker 1:Labor, not for wealth or fame. There's a crown and you can win it if you go in Jesus' name. And may it be said of me, as I hold my hand up to him, that I always, always, always, do this for him, not for me, not for fame, not for fortune, not for any of that, not even to get the jewel, but to help people get in front of him on the only day of their lives that matter if they don't know him. So I'm so grateful for the medium and I'm grateful for the continent that you live on, where about 30% of my listeners are right now, and I'm grateful for the continent that you live on, where about 30% of my listeners are right now, and so, wow, what a journey it's been. Over four years Haven't missed an episode. That's pretty uncommon.
Speaker 2:That's amazing.
Speaker 1:That is just pure grit, and sometimes you know the Lord obviously has enabled it. I also would be remiss, while we're talking about the podcast, if I didn't shout out my producer, whose name is Amy Hyland. I have so many Amy's in my life, but Amy has done an incredible job, because if I were the person editing these and adding the music to it and all the things, it would never get done. And so shout out to Amy Hyland, who is my producer. Shout out to Micah Uren, who does the YouTube stuff. Shout out to the prayer warriors all over this world, including yourself, that holds this podcast up before an almighty God and says please do what you want with it. Shout out to I recently became friends with Cindy Franklin on Facebook. She was my English teacher at Victory.
Speaker 1:I said this is all because of you. This is what I told her, and so shout out to the people that, along the way, have just put their DNA onto this throwaway kid, because God says she's not a throwaway kid and, as James 1.26 says, these are the people that you're supposed to take care of, and so so many people that I'm probably leaving out Rebecca Millett, who did a lot of my graphics, brittany Knight, who did the podcast cover, and that friend who said Amy, you should do a podcast. My name is JT and she lives in Texas. Shout out for pushing me to do this podcast. So grateful to you listeners out there that every I wake up every Wednesday morning and there are a certain number of you that, faithfully, have already downloaded it, and I can always tell which ones are New Zealand, because the podcast drops at midnight, and if I wake up in the middle of the night, there are tons of listens and I'm like, yep, those are the New Zealand people, and so, but? But thank you, listeners for trusting me. Thank and so, but thank you, listeners for trusting me. Thank you. I realized that time is not something that we're getting more of, and so thank you for spending time with us with me.
Speaker 1:Shout out to Eric Nevins Christian Podcasters Association. He is the reason why I didn't quit at the beginning. Love that group of people and there's a ton of people there. They all know who they are. Thank you to some of the Patreon. I have two or three Patreon supporters that support the podcast, and I could go on and on and I probably have forgotten people, my friends, my family, especially when I first started the podcast, I was all about it. I mean, like you couldn't be on my Facebook page without seeing a podcast post. But, most importantly, thank you, jesus for the abilities, for the knowledge, for the technology, for the medium and for the desire, but most of all for the calling, and I love the verse Lydia, faithful is he who calls you who also do it. I believe that's in 1 Thessalonians 1.6.
Speaker 1:And so, yes, it's been a remarkable journey. My life is not without the ills of some of these things that we've talked about today, but I serve a God who is bigger than all of it, and we fight an enemy who wants to destroy us, who is not for us, and on days like today, he's mad. He's mad Four years of the gospel being out there. There's an enemy that does not want this to happen, and so I am so grateful and you guys will watch me, all of April, act like a child. Ironically, trying to think of those things to do that can be videoed is harder than actually doing them, but I spent the whole month of April I call it the lost childhood challenge doing childlike things, because that's indicative of healing, and so when you're listening to this episode, 24 of them will have already been released and you can go back and look at those on social media.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, super, super grateful, no plans to stop. Can't wait to have Wednesdays with lots and with letters behind my name and just look, time is short and the mission is critical, and so I will not stop giving people the hope of the gospel in the face of unimaginable dark trauma and pain and all the things that the world says should take you down. I won't stop shouting from the rooftops that that doesn't have to be the story. I won't do it If I have to get on a literal rooftop because we don't have podcasting anymore.
Speaker 1:I won't stop because I believe that verse in Psalm 45.1 is I recite verses for my king. My tongue is a pen of a school for writer, and that is the desire of my heart for this podcast and for anything that it turns into. I'm speaking engagement and we crossed Georgia on June the 8th, and so the Lord has opened some doors and filled in the desires of my heart that it turns into. I'm speaking engagement when we crossed Georgia on June the 8th, and so the Lord has opened some doors and fill in the desires of my heart. And so, four years later, here we are. This has been cool, being questioned by you and the listeners, hearing from a very vulnerable spot some of these things that the Lord has redeemed.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you for the opportunity to have this conversation and it's exciting to see what God's doing in your life, and we'll keep cheering you on as you faithfully walk through those valleys and the mountaintops, and we're excited to see where this goes.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you, and thank you for being a part of this. Thank you for being on and telling Zeke's story We'll link that in the show notes because Lydia is not without her own pain and trauma but thank you for being willing to do this. I wouldn't trust many people to do this, and so thank you for that. And I hope that we've honored the Lord first of all, and I hope that we've highlighted his faithfulness in four years of telling stories, whether they be mine or somebody else's. And if you are listening to this podcast and you pray we would love it if you would continue to pray this podcast will go where it's supposed to go and do what it's supposed to do, and so, as you pray for us, pray for me that I will be sensitive to that, because this is a message that is not mine, and oftentimes I don't even remember what I say. When I get behind this. This mind very excited to see what's next for us here at the Wednesdays with Watson podcast, other things.
Speaker 2:Before you go, amy Watson you're seen and you are loved and you are valued and you are heard, and, and you are heard and you are known, and God loves you so much and he is seeing what you're doing here, and so are we.
Speaker 1:Oh, you didn't make me cry until the end, all right, well, listeners, we are going. I'm going to take over the mic just for a second, just for a few housekeeping things. Thank you again, lydia, for this. I hope that you guys have enjoyed it. Thank you to all the listeners who have been with us. Thank you again to Amy Hyland. We are on to the next four years.
Speaker 1:So what we got coming up for you May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I'm going to be focusing heavily, heavily, on the trauma-informed fill in the blank for the month of May, and then in June is PTSD Awareness Month. That will probably be two solo episodes where I am offloading some of the information that I have learned about PTSD onto you guys, and so that's what we have coming up for the next couple months, and so I hope that you will continue to tune in and subscribe and follow the podcast, if you have not, and we will see you here in two weeks for our first episode that we are going to be talking about the trauma-informed fill in the blank. I don't know what they're still going to be yet, and so we will see you guys in two weeks.
Speaker 3:Thanks for listening. You have saved me from certain death. You have shown yourself faithful to me Over and over Jesus. So let my life glorify you and teach me to walk beside you. And I want to be more like you, so let my life be one more try. I love you, and when my hope is fading and when worries do assail me, I will remember how you you never failed me. You have pulled me out from the depths. You have saved me from certain death. You have shown yourself faithful to me over and over Jesus. So let my life glorify you and teach me to walk beside you. I want to be more like you, so let my life be one marked by you, marked by you, marked by you. You, my you.
