Wednesdays With Watson: Faith & Trauma Amy Watson- PTSD Patient-Trauma Survivor

What Is Wednesdays With Watson? Part 2

• Amy Watson: Trauma Survivor, Hope Carrier, Precious Daughter Of The Most High God • Season 7 • Episode 12

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What happens when the very foundations of your safety are shaken, and healing seems out of reach? Join me as I share a deeply personal journey, marking the near fifth anniversary of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. Born from the solitude of the pandemic and my struggle with PTSD, this episode takes you through the significant moments that shaped my path toward healing. From a life-altering stay in a psychiatric hospital to moving in with a friend who transformed my approach to counseling, we explore the profound role of faith, community, and a trauma-informed support system in navigating life's darkest periods.

In a candid discussion, I recount the decision to entrust my journey to Dr. Pettit, a Christian counselor who became a beacon of hope and safety. Despite my initial skepticism about having a male counselor, his approach turned a meeting room into a sanctuary for healing. Through recounting sessions filled with breakthroughs and challenges, this episode underscores how a worldview larger than oneself can be pivotal in recovery. You'll hear about heartwarming and sometimes humorous anecdotes, like my notorious sense of direction, even on the simplest drives from Clearwater to St. Pete.

As we recount the trials of facing threatening emails during hospital stays and the solace found in unexpected friendships, this episode is a testament to the transformative power of support and connection. The narrative reinforces a powerful message: no matter how bleak circumstances may appear, hope is unwavering, and every story is still being written. As the podcast approaches its fifth year, we celebrate not just survival, but the discovery of purpose and worth in the face of adversity.


"Safe in Your Arms" by Josh Baldwin, used by permission MusicBed.com 

You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED

Speaker 1:

You pick me up and you let me catch my breath. Lord, you never condemn, never make a list of wrongs. In the light of your goodness, all the fear I've known is gone. I'm safe in your arms, your arms of love. Safe in your arms, your arms of love. Hey everybody, and welcome back to the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. It is February of 2025. We are barely getting close April to the fifth anniversary of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast.

Speaker 1:

I have often dubbed it my pandemic project. Don't we all remember those two weeks to flatten the curve? I started this podcast during those two weeks because I wanted people to understand PTSD, I wanted them to understand trauma and I wanted to get better myself. And so I got behind this microphone and I began to tell my story. And those first four or five episodes in particular were impactful and they tell the story of how I spent five days myself in a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt and a complete nervous breakdown. I talk about my roommate, stacy there, that I met. We called this episode Safe Enough to Fall Apart, and I love this song by Josh Baldwin Safe Enough, safe in your Arms. And so guys, enjoy this throwback episode as I continue to tell my story, and hopefully somebody will pick up this episode instead of having to bury it or find it buried deep, deep, deep in the podcast episodes. So this is an episode that we called safe enough to fall apart. Come back in two weeks and you will get the rest of the story.

Speaker 1:

A bad feeling, and I didn't want to medicate it. It was a confusing feeling. It was a warm feeling, it was a fuzzy feeling, it was a almost a feeling like you feel like when somebody gives you a big hug that you want. That's what it felt like. Later, I would find out that that feeling was safety, for the first time since leaving the children's home. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson. My name is Amy Watson, I am your host, and I am so grateful that you have returned to spend some time with us.

Speaker 1:

Today. We've named this first season of our podcast PTSD, jesus and Me, and I oftentimes just really feel the need to tell you guys that, because these things are so important and the end of my story, which is really you hearing my voice right now and hearing what the Lord has done in my life and healing of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Certainly, though, that would not be possible without what I have dubbed as the three C's and the start of my story, and my church, obviously, and my faith in Jesus, my community and also trauma-informed counseling. And so I will never apologize about saying that every single week, because it is absolutely impossible to tell a story, fiction or non, without telling you about the hero, and certainly, while God provided many heroes along the way by way of community, he absolutely is the star of my story. This podcast has already been so rewarding and so interesting to me. It is a hybrid of my telling you the story of my journey of being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but it is told in story form and while you don't need to have listened to the podcast before it, it might be good for you to go back and listen or, excuse me, listen to those, but it's not necessary because I am interrogating, telling you my story and my journey of the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD, along with some science of PTSD, to help you understand this phenomenon that is really way more common than I think any of us know.

Speaker 1:

One of the most popular questions that I continue to receive from the podcast is really asked in various forms, but really the question is the same is how do I know if I have PTSD? Certainly I am a patient. I am not an expert, I am not a doctor. I almost have a minor in psychology from college, but all I can tell you is about my journey. But I will tell you that if you're asking me if you have PTSD, I think my answer to you at that point is inconsequential because clearly there's a reason why you're asking that question. So, by way of talking a little bit before we pick up where we left off as a cliffhanger I'm sure most of you love me for that Before we pick up where we left off there, one of the things that might help us all understand is really what is this definition of trauma and why do some people experience the same trauma and have zero effect?

Speaker 1:

And some people can see or experience that same trauma and be heavily affected, many times in the form of a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. And it really depends on who you ask. And certainly there is a place, a prominent place, for biblical counseling when we talk about PTSD, and that school of thought many times and I don't think it's a wrong one many times will define trauma as an interpretive disorder, meaning the way we receive the traumatic event and understand that could be anything from witnessing a car accident to being in a car accident, to being in war, to being on the front lines in a hospital. Many, many different things can cause trauma when our perception is that we are not safe, or that we physically are not safe, or that we see something. Many people that survived 9-11 clearly suffered from PTSD because of the atrocities they saw on that day. But oftentimes trauma affects us in many different ways. Physiologically, we're all different. Certainly, the lens in which we view things, view things that come into our lives, experiences that we have had going into seeing that all are going to color what affects us. But the fact of the matter is is that if you're asking me that question, my answer to you is both largely uneducated and inconsequential, because it means you're hurting and it does mean that there's something jumping up and down that needs to be addressed. While we're talking about questions coming in to me on the podcast, there are a couple ways you can do that and I will list those at the end of the podcast, which includes all of my social media platforms in addition to my website.

Speaker 1:

But I'd like to pick up from when we last spent time together. When we last spent time together, I left off telling this story about how my friend Cheryl had taken me to the emergency room. I checked myself in to be admitted to the psych ward, and when I left you last, cheryl had left me behind those locked doors and that psych ward. But before I pick up on that story, I want to back up a bit, because it is my desire, obviously, for this podcast, for you to know the whole story and for you to get a front row seat to the healing that has been described to me by more than one person. Amy, the healing that we've seen you, just since we've known you, the healing that we see God has performed in your life, really is akin to someone beating stage four cancer, and so that is not something that I've ever taken lightly, and I do understand that.

Speaker 1:

I am recording this podcast today because of so many things that happen and help you understand why, really, we believe that that was the time that my body decided to give up and that was the time that I needed to be in the hospital, and so I mentioned to you both Chrissy and Cheryl, both of whom I met at a Bible study after leaving my marriage that was filled with violence for 12 years. Chrissy was one of those people, and many of you listening to this podcast know who Chrissy is and many times will hear me refer to her as my sister, because that is in fact what she is in my life, as well as her family. But we didn't start that way. Chrissy is perhaps one of the most shy people on the planet, and so the fact that she even reached out to me and that she and I, when we met in December of 2007 in life group, the fact that she even went out of her way to come up to me and talk to me about things that she knew was important to me. Like I remember distinctly, she knew that I am a Jaguars fan and y'all pray for me because it's a sickness, actually but she had looked up information about the Jaguars and had actually come to me in that life group and had talked to me about it, and so she and I spent—we were inseparable that following summer, just months before this all happened, and we did everything together and became very close, and we did everything together and became very close.

Speaker 1:

One day we were riding down the road and I was still living in that really dark 750 square foot apartment that I continue to call the ghetto, and I was lonely and it was depressing, and I think she knew that. And Chrissy, one day we were just driving down the road and she had had a conversation with her mom who you will refer me here, often hear me refer to as Mama Bootsy but she had asked her mom if she should ask me to come live with her and her mom said yes, absolutely you should. And so Chrissy went out on a limb one day we were driving down the road and asked me if I would be interested in moving in with her for a few months and I'm literally air quoting and you'll find out why that's really funny later. As I mentioned, she and I had spent a lot, a lot of time together after meeting at church that previous December. Part of the story that will come next, and maybe even in the next podcast, will be from Chrissy, because there is a perspective that she has that she could share with you. For those of you who are listening to this podcast, because you love somebody with PTSD, I want you to have her take on this part of the story and so, but since it's my story. I get to go first.

Speaker 1:

When I responded in the affirmative that I would love to move in with her for a couple months to save money, I even surprised myself. I thought she was going to drive off the road, though, and she will tell you to this day that she was terrified of asking me to come live with her. I guess, maybe I'm I don't know guys, I guess I kind of give off a Miss Independent vibe, or maybe I did then, but either way, she was pretty scared to ask me, and I don't know why. I don't think I'm scary at all, maybe I was. Then, anyway, she and I negotiated rent because I refused to let her give me anything. After all, I have been supporting myself since I was around seven, with the exception of the time that I was in the children's home. I have worked, and if I ate, it was because I worked. If I had shelter over my head, it was because I worked, and so I wasn't going to let her give me anything. When I said that to her, though, she used some skill, and she told me that, if I would go to counseling and use the money for counseling, that I could live with her without paying rent.

Speaker 1:

I was not, and had never been up until that point, opposed to counseling. I just really failed to find a good one. The best one that I knew was, and is one of my closest friends, dr Krista Witt, and she was certainly too close to the situation and I wasn't being honest with her because I knew that she would take me exactly where I was ending up on that day. But I took Chrissy up on that and had my first appointment with Dr Pettit right after I moved in with her. Chrissy trusted Dr Pettit and so I trusted him and really, like when you guys continue to hear parts of my story, you will understand that conventional wisdom would have told me and everybody who was advising me not to have a male counselor.

Speaker 1:

But when I walked in his office I trusted him from the first time I saw him. He is a calm and gentle man and also he's a Christian counselor and he counsels from a Christian and a biblical worldview. But his office also felt safe to flesh out anger that maybe didn't fit in the Bible and maybe someone needed to be angry with God, and so his office felt safe. I had never felt judged, always ended up somehow back at Jesus. Some of the most recent research indicates to us that people with a worldview that is bigger than we are and so for me that is or God the recovery does appear to be higher and faster, and so I had great hope when I was in his office, because I felt like his office was a place where we could do both. I could be honest and be angry and be confused about God and still find some healing. I certainly didn't know, though, most of this on that very first visit, but I can 100% attest to that now.

Speaker 1:

But when I look back at that first visit, it does give me an opportunity to talk to you a little bit about two very important components of post-traumatic stress disorder. The first time that I walked in his office was I had been teaching all day, drove from Clearwater to St Pete, and if you listened to my last podcast, this won't surprise you. I got lost. For those of you who know the drive from Clearwater to St Pete, it's one road. Pretty difficult to get lost, but I did.

Speaker 1:

But I finally arrived at his office and I sat down and told him 35 years of trauma from the first traumatic event that I have memory of, when I was seven years old was this childhood sexual abuse to the last punch from my ex-husband when I was 35. I told him those stories like I was giving him directions to the bank Zero emotion, all the name it claim it stuff in there. He and I remember that first appointment exactly the same. I was smiling, I was upbeat. I told him the story like I'm telling it to you, maybe even in some creative storytelling language, but I essentially told him with zero emotion. I quoted my favorite name, it claim it stuff. I threw in my favorite verse, philippians 1.12. I told him it was worth it all to me if somebody could get help, that I really wanted God to use it. And certainly that's still true today. But he and I remember that visit when I sat down and just literally told him this remarkable body of trauma without a single tear and without a single part of emotion.

Speaker 1:

Many, many times when people would ask me how I was doing and some people who were in my life at that time would laugh when they hear this. But I was asked how I was doing, including when Dr Pettit asked me how I was doing, my standard answer was it's all good, and that was my answer. But what happened in his office that day was a phenomenon that is very familiar and are hallmarks for PTSD and in some ways both of these are interchangeable detachment versus disassociation. And so, in form of detachment, I was telling Dr Pettit the story as though it happened to somebody else and not as though it happened to me, and the disassociation part is also a little bit of that, but it's also some of it I've left out, I forgot, and I've remembered those things as I've healed. That disassociation part has certainly gotten better and so had my appointment and drove back.

Speaker 1:

I had already moved into Chrissy's by then. He told me that he would see me in a week. I was so happy to be out of that dark apartment. Chrissy was super, super nice, had plenty of space for me, I was comfortable at her house. But I had this really, really unfamiliar feeling. And it wasn't a bad feeling and I didn't want to medicate it, but it was a confusing feeling. It was a warm feeling, it was a fuzzy feeling. It was almost a feeling like you feel like when somebody gives you a big hug that you want. You guys remember hugs during a pandemic. Anybody remember hugs. That's what it felt like. Later I would find out that that feeling was safety. I was safe for the first time since leaving the children's home. Although I'm not sure that I would have been able to identify it at that time, I had experienced what that feeling was. In fact, I know I couldn't have identified it at that time.

Speaker 1:

I had experienced a lot of pain and really tried to process some of the pain in that dark apartment, and so many of those nights and even days had been filled with such terror and attempts to soothe that terror with medicine all the time. And that medicine, albeit prescribed, I just didn't follow the directions. There's an old saying if you have a problem with addiction and whether my addiction was temporary, to deal with temporary pain or whether it's a legitimate addiction is inconsequential. But there's an old saying when you're trying to self-medicate which is absolutely a hallmark of a PTSD patient one pill is too many and 10,000 is not enough. And so, even while at Chrissy's because I felt safe, everything got worse. The night terrors got worse, the lack of sleep got worse, all of it got worse. The pain was real and I was just trying to take as much medicine as I could. I was very comfortable there, but, like I said, the nights just got worse and worse and worse and worse. This confused me because I didn't understand, but it is a fairly understood phenomenon. Now I was safe, and so, for the first time in a long time, my body decided I'm done, and that led to the night when I took those non-clonopin to sleep.

Speaker 1:

I would find out later that Dr Pettit did not expect to see me at a next appointment. He fully expected the phone call that he received from the hospital. As I mentioned, that first night in the hospital was the best sleep that maybe I've ever had since. When I woke up, though, the person in the bed beside me was different from the night before. The night before there was an elderly lady there with dementia, but this person was different. I will never forget Stacey. She didn't need to tell me why she was there, though the bandages that covered her forearms both of them, told the story for her. That covered her forearms both of them told the story for her. That made me sad and she was angry that she was there, and apparently it arrived in the middle of the night. But I was just stunned as I stared at her forearms, where she had tried to take her life the night before and had barely made it to the hospital in time. I was looking forward to the visitation times. There were two of them, one in the morning and one in the evening. Almost all of my friends had to work, but Chrissy had a job with some flexibility and she was there every single time that she was allowed to be.

Speaker 1:

I do want to stop right here for a second because when I look back on this day and maybe you can hear the emotion in my voice, because it's a precious, it was a precious time, but I want to stop right here and pray for any of you. Under the sound of my voice, you find yourself where I was. I beg God that you have a Cheryl. I beg God that you have a Chrissy. I beg God that you have a Chris DeWitt in your life and honestly, those are just three people that I will introduce and so many more that are part of my story. I beg God that you would understand that I had all three well, two of them in my life because of that one decision to go to that Bible study, because that one time God really gave me the strength to not isolate that one night.

Speaker 1:

Isolation is such a hallmark of PTSD. All I had to do was make that decision. That one time, and even though I was traumatized boy, did I ever, ever, ever reap the benefits from that one decision. And so, even though we are traumatized and we have every reason to make bad decisions when we have post-traumatic stress disorder, we are going to be a product of the consequences of the decisions. We made Two decisions, one of them I was helped to make, the other one I wasn't but to go to counseling. But, more importantly, that one time, not to isolate meant everything, and it meant that Chrissy was my very first visitor in the psych ward that day. She asked me what she could bring me, and I asked for two things I asked for my pajamas and I asked for my Bible and those of you that know me know that the pajamas aren't a surprise, but those of you that listened to my last podcast know that I hadn't picked up a Bible in a while. I paced the floors that morning waiting for visitation time. Food came and I just stared at it, didn't drink my coffee. I couldn't wait to see Chrissy. I was terrified. I saw and heard things there that I still can't forget.

Speaker 1:

I remember a distinct feeling of freedom, though it truly did not matter who expected me to do what, where or what speed. Every single aspect of my life, or the expectation of my life, were in the hands of the doctors who had diagnosed me with the most severe form of PTSD, still currently on the books. I was truly shocked. I was sure that waiting it out, getting up every time I got punched, I was convinced that my efforts would lead to a brain not tormented by trauma. I use the word trauma a lot, in some ways as an important that. I remember it even today because it was doing a number on me for sure.

Speaker 1:

It took me a long time to understand, to let myself off of that hook that I kept putting myself on this. Swallow your pride, get better, get up. I was throwing the own Christian cliches at me, as I mentioned before the verses Many, many times, I put my hands to the plow and attempted to do something else and didn't look back. It didn't feel like I was inheriting the kingdom of God. Though Chrissy got there. I was sad to see her leave that morning, but that night she returned along with a bunch of people. I was only allowed two visitors at a time. About ten of them would show up and they had to come see me.

Speaker 1:

In shifts, stacey and I hung out together, along with some of the other patients that were in for the same reasons as us PTSD, anxiety and depression. One of the reasons why it was so scary was because the hospital was doing construction, and so they had combined patients with anxiety and depression with some patients who had more severe disorders that often required outbursts, that were scary and lots of witness scenes of shots of Haldol, and so it was terrifying. So this group of us that were in this anxiety, depression, ptsd hung together, and so Stacey and I were in that group. Oddly, I wanted to write, and so when I asked for a pencil, they gave me this it still makes me laugh. They gave me this dull pencil that was about an inch long. It's not at all funny, but I remember trying to write with that pencil. It was hilarious.

Speaker 1:

Stacey scooted her chair beside me and asked me what I was doing, and I told her I was just journaling. She pointed to my Bible and she said does that help you? She asked me and I looked up and I knew it was a moment, and, regardless of how broken I felt, how mad I was at God, how confused I was, I knew it was a moment, so I talked to her about God and our stories, and I kept watching her. She kept looking down at my Bible, and she kept it like it was going to give her something that she needed. It was the Bible that I bought when I fled my marriage. It was pretty special to me. She asked me how to read the Bible, and, of course, I hadn't read mine in a while. Suddenly, the teacher in me came out, though, and so I shared with her the birthday verse idea.

Speaker 1:

I don't know where I got the birthday verse idea. I was sharing it with somebody recently, and I couldn't remember who to give credit to. I guess it's possible that I made it up, but, for example, your birthday verse is your birthday month and your birthday. So my birthday is December 1st, and so my birthday verse that I picked is Romans 12.1. So you go through the entire Bible and you look up the month and the day and you pick the verse that works for you, and so I said to Stacey hey, what's your birthday? She said my birthday is on Halloween. I said, okay, well, let's start in Matthew, chapter 10, verse 31. So I opened my Bible to Matthew, chapter 10, verse 31, and here's the verse that God gave Stacy and me Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.

Speaker 1:

Stacy told me that she wanted to believe, that she would make eye contact with me, but looked down and played with the frayed parts on her bandages on her wrists. I could tell you this I was weighing over my head because I wasn't even sure I believed her birthday verse. We were both terrified. Neither of us believed we were valuable. I still fully, though, understood the gravity of that moment. I told her what I could about how much I loved Jesus, in spite of the fact that I was sitting in the psych ward after taking too much medicine to sleep. She asked me if I was trying to kill myself, and, with a clear conscience, I told her I wasn't. But I also told her that I wasn't a super fan of staying on the planet either, but that I understood that Jesus could walk me there.

Speaker 1:

I told Stacy that I struggled understanding that I was valuable to him, more valuable than a little old bird that he loves. I watched a sparrow just this morning on my porch, and I was reminded of this again, how much he loves the sparrows. I told her. I said I don't understand, stacy, how I'm valuable, how all these things happen, but I know you're valuable, how I'm valuable, how all these things happen. But I know you're valuable and I know I'm valuable and we don't have to be afraid. I told her I plan to keep fighting.

Speaker 1:

I really wanted to tell her that I was fighting because I believed I was worth something, but while I believed that verse in my head, I could not make that truth stay in my head. I told her I was going to fight. I was going to fight for the people that love me, and maybe somewhere along the way I could fight for myself too. And I told her if you need to fight for somebody else right now, you fight for them. You'll fight for you at some point. One day we'll both realize how valuable we are.

Speaker 1:

I told her I was borrowing the faith of my friends because I was having a hard time finding my own, but I knew it was there. I told her I was borrowing the faith of my friends because I was having a hard time finding my own, but I knew it was there. I told her that my faith wasn't weak because I was in the same place as she was in the psych ward, but that God's promises were strong. The reality is I had beat myself up plenty of times and I felt weak. I didn't feel valuable.

Speaker 1:

As I continue to mention, I preached Bible verses to myself, so often misused in these cases. I was tired of putting my hand to the plow. I was tired of working hard to forget and move on, only to have one more burden placed on me. I needed to look back, and sitting in that psych ward forced me to do that. I told her that both of us could work on understanding and accepting our value and giving some respect to the pain that landed us in that hospital.

Speaker 1:

The deepest part of me then, and especially now, believes that I am valuable, but I have to be reminded. It is where I get attacked, the place that exhibits a self and behavior that results in not taking care of myself, not eating just all kinds of stuff that I just have to do every day. That's, for some of you, a second nature. She asked me if she could have that Bible and when she got out of the hospital three days before I did, she took it with her. I continued to think about Stacy and her birthday verse and the promise written there, even though it felt like I was talking to thin air. I threw out some words to God, asking him to give me the will to live. I did not have it. I also believe the beautiful descriptions of heaven and even now envisioning arriving in heaven and getting this big, giant welcome hug from Jesus, so comforting to me.

Speaker 1:

I was then, and in some cases am now, so tired and weary from the constant bouts and that boxing ring that just kept layering trauma atop of trauma. Every day, we would all line up at the door of the doctor's as they came on the psych ward and we all hoped that that day would be the day they would release us. Day after day, they would tell me one more day, and then that day came and I was still there. Chrissy came every time she could, and so did others. It was hard not to see the concern in all of their faces, but it seemed like there was something that they weren't telling me. Finally, after five days, chrissy told me to eat at mealtimes and maybe they would let me go home. I had continued to spend days pushing the food around on my plate, leaving it right where I found it. I started attempting to eat and or got good at hiding it, and finally they let me out of the hospital. I walked out the doors of the hospital and across the street was the Pallis County Courthouse, and on the way home, I found out what they were not telling me.

Speaker 1:

While I was in the hospital, my ex-husband sent a series of emails with threats to kill me in some of the most graphic ways you can imagine, and whatever communication God and I were having over that whole value thing was gone, because I simply could not understand why he could not give me a break. I was done. I went home with a stack of medication and I plan to use it too. Hey, everybody. So I do hope that that episode was helpful to you. It's a little difficult to listen back to it if I'm telling you the truth. That being said, I look back on those days and I am so grateful for such an amazing God who hid me under the shadow of his wings. And so, as I continue to tell the story as we get closer to the fifth anniversary of the Wednesdays with Watson podcast, I hope that you know that there is such hope that the story isn't over yet.

Speaker 1:

The story wasn't over when I told it then and the story isn't over now. These days, I find myself working on one of those psych units, working with patients exactly like me who needs to hide in the shadow of their wings of protection because their lives have just not told the story of really just wanting to be on the planet. But I am here to tell you that you are worth fighting for. This planet would be bad without you. And as I continue to tell my story and you continue to find out in two weeks what happened with those threatening emails, I do hope that you will understand that you can be safe in his arms. So until two weeks, when we bring you the third or fourth episode, remember what I'm going to say Always you are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are loved, you are valued.

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Amy Watson

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