Wednesdays With Watson: Faith & Trauma Amy Watson- PTSD Patient-Trauma Survivor

Healing Through Trauma: My Journey with PTSD--PART THREE

• Amy Watson: Trauma Survivor, Hope Carrier, Precious Daughter Of The Most High God • Season 7 • Episode 13

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Part 1 of this series: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1027246/episodes/16606769-what-is-wednesdays-with-watson-part-2.mp3?download=true

Part 2:https://www.buzzsprout.com/1027246/episodes/16606769-what-is-wednesdays-with-watson-part-2.mp3?download=true

Discover a deeply personal and transformative journey in this episode as I share my battle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and its impact on my life and faith. I recount the harrowing experience of being hospitalized, the emotional turbulence of facing my abuser in court, and the significance of medication as a lifeline in my fight against trauma. 

Listeners will find relatable insights as I navigate the complexities of self-worth, resilience, and the essential role of a supportive community during times of profound crisis. The podcast emphasizes that healing is not merely a destination, but a journey laden with challenges and victories. Through engaging storytelling, I aim to encourage others to embrace their narratives, to realize that they are seen, known, and loved, no matter where they are in their journey. 

Join me for an exploration of hope and healing. If you're seeking understanding or support for yourself or a loved one, I invite you to subscribe, share, and connect with our community. The most beautiful truths often emerge from the darkest places—let’s illuminate them together.


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SECTION II 

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 February 26, 2025 

You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED

Speaker 1:

I love you, lord. Oh, your mercy never fails me. All my days I've been held in your hands From the moment that I wake up until I lay my head. Oh, I will sing Of the goodness of God. Hey, everybody, and welcome back to the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. If you've reached this episode or you've dropped on this episode, I should say this is the fourth episode that we dropped, and essentially what we're doing is we're re publishing the original episodes.

Speaker 1:

I started this podcast in April of 2020. And it really kind of started out as a pandemic project, and that this, these, particularly these first four episodes really landed in the hearts and minds of people that needed to hear it. I started this podcast because I wanted to understand trauma myself better and I wanted to help you understand it better, and so, as I listen back to some of these episodes, it's quite interesting because I did not have the benefit that I have now of having received everything but my dissertation in trauma and community care, and so, as I listen back to these episodes, I'm grateful for the wisdom that I should not have had in these episodes. But if you've not listened to the previous three, we will drop those in the show notes. But this is my story, my journey with post-traumatic stress disorder and how I got from hospitals and courtrooms which is the episode that you'll hear today to working in a hospital with doctors, with nurses, as a therapist and a discharge planner, and the very healthcare system that helped me so many years ago, and so I hope that you guys will enjoy this episode.

Speaker 1:

Two weeks we'll be here with listener questions, and so I've gotten a couple people who have sent. If you look in your app right now, it says send a text message. I've gotten a couple people who have sent questions that way and I want to honor them, and so in two weeks we will have a listener question episode. I don't know who you are. It just gives me the last two digits of your phone number when you send a text through the podcast, and so if you have questions about trauma, you have questions about PTSD that you would like somebody to help you with. Please drop those in that text message. Or I'm on all social media. Author Amy Watson on Instagram, you can shoot me a direct message. I am on Facebook and, yeah, those are kind of the two and or you can email me at amywatson90atmecom, and that again will be in the show notes, but the easiest way to do it is just hit that thing that says send me a text message, ask your question there and in two weeks I will cover it on this very podcast. And so enjoy this episode.

Speaker 1:

As I think back of the goodness of God and I can not say with enough confidence, with enough swagger, with enough belief, that all of my life he has been faithful, and some of what you will hear today and some of what you've heard over the last couple episodes, you might ask me how can you say that? Because it's true. So all of my life he has been faithful, all of my life he has been so, so good. Let's drop into this last throwback episode hospitals and courtrooms. It is not uncommon for domestic violent victims not to report abuse, and every victim has their reasons. The entirety of my marriage, I kept thinking it would be the last hit, the last punch or the last verbal beatdown. I prayed every night that my God would fix it. He didn't, and that was increasingly becoming even more not okay with me.

Speaker 1:

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson. Hey everybody, and welcome back to Wednesdays with Watson. By now you know my name is Amy Watson and I am your host and I am so excited that you have decided to join us again for episode four of season one of Wednesdays with Watson, which we are calling PTSD Jesus and Me and, as every week, I make sure that I just remind you guys, because there really isn't a way to tell this story without telling you about the star of my story, who is just the central theme, and those three C's. So I am so grateful to be able to do that. One of the really cool things that has happened over the last six weeks and over the last three podcast episodes is people are reaching out to me with questions about post-traumatic stress disorder, whether that's for themselves or for somebody who they love, and at the end of this podcast you will find out all the ways you can do that, including ways to share the podcast and make sure that the word gets out, as well as subscribing and social media and all of that kind of stuff. So when we last left you a couple weeks ago, I left you as I was leaving the hospital where I had spent five days in the psych ward and had been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

Speaker 1:

I mentioned the courthouse at the end of that podcast for a reason, and most of you are probably wondering why. Because, as it would turn out, because of those emails that I talked about, I was going to go from the hospital to the courthouse in fewer than 12 hours. Chrissy had told me about the emails from my ex-husband as we were driving over the bridge, this bridge in Clearwater, florida, that spans the beautiful waters of the Gulf of Mexico. It was right at sunset, which is my favorite time of day, but she told me how she had accidentally found the emails on my computer while logging on to it to do some computer maintenance or checking to make sure that there was something that I hadn't missed while I was in the hospital. The emails were horrible. His words are ones that I will never repeat, especially on a podcast filled with reasons to hope and also not knowing who may listen to it.

Speaker 1:

Chrissy had enlisted my friend Cheryl, my friend Chris and my best friend from the children's home, michelle. She knew that she was in way over her head, and none of them none of them knew what to do about any of it. All of them kept it silent. None of them told the doctors while I was in the hospital. One thing was for sure, though. We were headed back over that bridge the next day and went to visit that courthouse that my mind's eye had captured when I walked out of the hospital that night, brought the pharmaceutical kind of sleep as I mentioned. They sent me home with a handful of prescriptions, one of them acting like a tranquilizer that put me into some sort of unconscious state that I oftentimes struggled to even wake up the next morning. I didn't overtake any of those medications. They had given me significantly high enough doses, and so I didn't need to. It accomplished the mind-numbing body resting kind of result that clearly I needed. I would learn later that they had given me so much medication because my body just needed to calm down. It had not done that. After all those years of trauma, they needed my actual physical body to rest, and so they threw every single medication that they could at me.

Speaker 1:

I do think that, as I've often mentioned to you, that I'm going to take the opportunity to be both a storyteller and a teacher with you, and I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about medication and mental illness. I don't believe that the stigma that used to be tied to medication is still there, but unfortunately particularly in the church, sometimes from pulpits and counseling offices and stuff like that. Some people are still advocating that we not take medications, that that makes our faith weak or that makes us not trust God or any number of things, any number of false facts for lack of a better way to explain that to you thrown at people when it comes to taking medication. But there is an absolute and mine was one of those times an appropriate time for medication, and you should never feel badly for taking medication, just like you wouldn't if you had diabetes and you needed insulin.

Speaker 1:

Even Jesus used medication when he healed people, and even Spurgeon, one of the great minds of the modern Christianity generation, had this to say as he himself struggled with depression. Spurgeon wrote the mind can descend far lower than the body, for in it there's a bottomless pit. The flesh can bear only a certain number of runes and then no more, but the soul can bleed in 10,000 ways and die over and over again each hour. So even Spurgeon, who we all would respect as somebody who theologically is about as sound as it gets, understood that depression, anxiety and probably PTSD existed in his time and that the mind could do more damage than the body ever could, and that there just is no limit really to the damage and to the pain that we can suffer in our minds. Medications are provided by science, which is provided by God. As everything is Like I said, we don't have a problem with people taking insulin for diabetes.

Speaker 1:

Ptsd often transfers to both physical and mental issues and oftentimes need to be medicated. Most Christians believe in a two-pronged approach to these things. However, as I have mentioned over and over also the importance of counseling, and then even counseling with a biblical worldview, plus medications. I understand that not everyone who listens, though, to this podcast believes in the Bible as an absolute authority, but the important thing to remember, regardless, is that you are not weak if you need to take medications. Regardless is that you are not weak if you need to take medications. As I mentioned, we even see Jesus use medication. In Luke 10, 34, when he was beginning to heal somebody. He said he went up to him the man who needed to be healed and bandaged his wounds pouring oil and wine. Then he took the man on the donkey with him and took him to an inn, and then he took care of him, and so I think even we see in the Bible the appropriate response to situations like mine and some of yours too.

Speaker 1:

Courthouses boy, we drove up to that courthouse. Courthouses they bring some pretty bad memories for me. One of my strongest memories of a courthouse is the spring day when I was just 14 years old and I literally remember, like I can remember, what I watched on TV 30 minutes ago. I remember watching the judge terminate my mom's parental rights after she left to marry the man the last man of seven who abused me. So, driving up to the courthouse that day with the hospital at my peripheral, I had a horrible feeling that I can almost feel again, as I'm telling you my story now.

Speaker 1:

Stared at that hospital as we were walking in and I thought about Stacy and I wondered how she was doing. Then I remembered her birthday verse, matthew 10, 31. Do not be afraid, for you are worth more than many sparrows. I remember telling Stacy that she was valuable to God. I was still trying to believe that myself. The truth is is that one of those things that I still have to be reminded of is that I'm valuable. And when I forget, everybody knows it, because it exhibits itself even today, and things like eating disorder, not eating, the temptation to isolate I still do that, the default classic Watson shutdown which my friends and family know that. They know it Basically when I'm not speaking or texting or emailing or engaging, I'm not on social media all day. We might be in a classic Watson shutdown, as I've mentioned before.

Speaker 1:

While trauma does not define me, it certainly has left an indelible mark on me and while I didn't see it then, but I do see this trauma and even its indelible marks on me it's an opportunity, it's an amazing opportunity for me to lean in to the star of the story who does bind up my wounds even today and, as I've mentioned that passage in Hebrews, he is not unfamiliar with our sufferings. But when I got home from the hospital I managed to find one of my Bibles and I opened it up to Stacy's birthday verse so that I could read it again and maybe somehow absorb the truth of my value to God and that, despite how scary the emails were from John, I did not have to be afraid. The Bible I picked up also had a verse next to it underlined. I didn't remember what life event prompted me to underline this verse in my Bible and truthfully, it could have been any number of events. That verse, matthew 11, verse 2.

Speaker 1:

When John heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect somebody else? And so, for those of you who don't know, john the Baptist was a forerunner for Christ. It was prophesied that he would come before Christ and he needed to make the way for Christ. He was sitting in prison on an island somewhere and he was hearing all these things that Jesus was out doing healing people. And he's sitting in prison. And the verse says when he heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent the disciples back to Jesus and said basically, dude, are you coming or do I need to expect somebody else? That's the Watson version. That's certainly not the way it's written in the Bible, boy.

Speaker 1:

The truth is, I felt John the Baptist at that moment. The truth is, I was angry at God. The emails were the absolute lost straw. I can't remember a time in my life when I questioned the divinity and the sovereignty of God more than I did that night. I was still still stealing words from John the Baptist because I wanted to know if God was actually going to show up, if I should keep fighting myself, or if I should expect something else to come or just give up altogether. I always use a boxing ring analogy Don't know why, mentioned that before too. I figured I had stayed in the ring. I got knocked down. I got up. I got up every single time, but the emails were the knockout punch and I wasn't even sure what I believed anymore.

Speaker 1:

The story of how I came to know Jesus is another story for another day. It's actually miraculous in its own right, but not since that day that I was introduced to that life-giving hope had I questioned if the whole Jesus thing was real, and I definitely was struggling to believe Stacey's birthday verse. I felt like that throwaway kid that I had always described myself. The man who had vowed to love and protect me. Both now hated me and wanted to kill me, and so, yes, I wondered if Jesus was real and probably said it out loud a few times too. If he cared for the Sparrows. I wanted to figure out what they did to get him to give them one break, just one tiny break.

Speaker 1:

Chrissy and I arrived at the courthouse and filled out the paperwork and then sat in hard chairs in that building that felt icky. I knew those walls could tell stories of pain worse than mine, and so I just decided to compare my pain with those untold stories of that old courthouse and decided my story was survivable. At least you guys remember when I told you not compared to pain. Yeah, don't do it, just trust me on that one. That didn't work out for me real well.

Speaker 1:

That day. We waited for our turn to plead my case. I was there to file for a restraining order. The experience was incredibly difficult, prompted me for the first time in years to pick up my laptop to start writing. I didn't want to forget that day how horrible it was and how enraged I was at the process. That was pretty difficult for a victim of domestic violence. Some of the words you will hear next are excerpts from those writings, giving you and me a real picture of where my heart and soul was on that day. The clerk called my name and when I stood up, so did Chrissy. She wasn't going to let me do that alone. So many times, when I think about these days and how God called Chrissy to be one of the people to do life with me in the ditches, I think of the friendship of Jonathan and David. I'll talk a little bit more about that later. Chrissy was a warrior. She is a warrior and she stood up to only to prove I was not in this alone and she was going to fight with me.

Speaker 1:

We sat down in that clergy's office that was, if possible, more dingy than the waiting area. Here's the first question this clerk asked me when I handed her the paperwork Did you call the cops? That was her question. These are excerpts from what I wrote when I got home that night. It's a well-meaning question, but to me it served as an indictment.

Speaker 1:

I am not sure why she asked that question, but immediately my need to be protected from my ex-husband felt like my fault. I felt like I was keeping her from her lunch that she clearly had just warmed up in the microwave. I felt again like a throwaway kid that had turned into a throwaway adult. I felt like her job and I felt like she didn't care. When I tell you the emails were not repeatable, I mean, the words on those emails would not show up in most R-rated violent movies. The clerk acted like it didn't even faze her. I thought about those stories again that those courthouse walls could tell and I knew that this clerk could be its voice. She must think I'm overreacting. I thought she's hurt a lot worse.

Speaker 1:

Her questions seemed logical. A question meant more to gain information, probably, rather than to judge me, but to me still it felt like judgment. I was sad. I was so sad that the man who had vowed to love and protect me in front of God, our friends and family now seemed to hate me and wanted me to die at his hands or somebody that he hired to do so. That deputy clerk asked that question and I stared at her, unable to speak. I didn't have any energy to speak. I felt the salty tears running down my cheek. There was this lump in my throat. I could hear my heartbeats kind of beating now, just like it did then, and I found myself comforted by the consistent sound of that heartbeat At least I was alive, but it was a sound of brokenness.

Speaker 1:

I fully stepped into my perception of being that throwaway kid and I couldn't wait to get out of that office, take some of that medicine and only for a nighttime and go to sleep. I didn't care if it was three o'clock in the afternoon when I was asleep was the only time it didn't hurt to breathe if it was three o'clock in the afternoon when I was asleep was the only time it didn't hurt to breathe. But back in the clerk's office I stared over her shoulder and out the window and then turned my head back to look at Chrissy. Chrissy is practical and stoic in these situations and that was never more true than this day. I tease her that when she gets angry she has this vein that pops out in her neck. She was mad that day that vein was popping out and before I knew it I joined her in that anger. The courthouse staffer had her eyes locked on me waiting for an answer to her question. I finally answered no, I didn't call the cops. I literally just got released from the hospital right across from the street yesterday. Could you please just show these papers to the judge?

Speaker 1:

It is not uncommon for domestic violent victims not to report abuse, and every victim has their reasons. The entirety of my marriage I kept thinking it would be the last hit, the last punch or the last verbal beatdown. I prayed every night that my God would fix it. He didn't, and that was increasingly becoming even more not okay with me. During those times I had nowhere to go. My job was actually tied up in this marriage and at one point in my life, john Watson was everything to me, but he turned into a monster, and during those 12 years of my marriage, I was constantly fearful for my life.

Speaker 1:

And now again, on this day, with this clerk asking me what felt like the dumbest question ever. Calling the cops, I felt, would make it worse. It would have made it worse then and it probably would have made it worse during the time. I wanted to slap that lady for asking that question, but at that moment it didn't matter. It wasn't any of her business. As far as I was concerned, she was just a paper pusher, not the judge. Besides, the cops were the people that mattered, and I clearly didn't matter. My marriage didn't matter. Or, on this day, that mean lady struggled to read those words on those emails. She acted like none of it mattered.

Speaker 1:

We finally got all the paperwork filled out where I had to write every traumatic event that ever happened, and that pack of paper, when I was done, was about an inch thick. That mean lady took the paperwork behind the temporary door that led into the judge's chambers. She told us to come back in a few hours and when we did, the judge had awarded me a restraining order and a court date. I can't lie. That victory felt like I had just won the lottery, even though it was just a piece of paper. It was a valuable piece of paper. I understood the value of that paper but still struggled to understand my own.

Speaker 1:

Again, I remembered Stacy's birthday verse. I wanted to make it mine too. You are more valuable than sparrows. You are more valuable than sparrows, I thought. Maybe if I said it more than once, I believed it. But the verse confused me more than it comforted me. If I was valuable to God, more valuable than this little old, tiny bird, why was I sitting in that courthouse? Why had I just spent five days in the hospital? Why had all the things that caused trauma, that put me in the hospital, happened? How does that make me valuable? Like John the Baptist, I was beginning to look for another Savior. Suddenly, I just wasn't so sure about Jesus. As I've already mentioned, I really wanted to know if Jesus was the one I was to expect or if I had been wrong about him almost my entire life.

Speaker 1:

After leaving the courthouse, I wanted to go shopping. I wanted to buy two of my friends, who I will not name here because I will get a phone call, but suffice it to say that they served as both my church and my community. They had been amazing to me throughout the entire process. We headed to their house where both of them embraced me with a hug that spoke more words than either of them could and they are both orators by their own right. Those hugs spoke more than they could ever say to me. I handed them their gifts and immediately I knew I was about to learn a life lesson. My friend basically told me not to force her to be mean to me, but gave me back the gifts and told me they helped me because they loved me and that I was valuable and that I didn't need to buy their love or concern. I still, to this day, struggle with the need to quote, repay people for being human and helping me, but I will never forget that lesson that day on my value and how it was handed to me in a kind and loving way by people who legitimately didn't want or need anything from me. They just cared about me. I was learning quickly how many people actually cared and wanted nothing from me in return for their concern.

Speaker 1:

Chrissy and I headed home and on the way home I got a call. I got a call from my principal who told me that every single teacher donated sick time so that could continue outpatient therapy for 30 days. I don't even know where most of those people are today, but I'm incredibly grateful for them. They were my community and my church, and so I entered 30 days of outpatient intensive, outpatient PTSD therapy. While I was in outpatient therapy, I was in there with all kinds of different people, people that had different faith and people didn't have any faith at all. Really, the camp that I sat in depended on the day, as I was really struggling with understanding what God was up to and, even more, why John Watson wanted to hurt me in such horrible ways.

Speaker 1:

Just weeks before all of this happened, my friend gave me a copy of Ken Geyer's North Face of God. It is still a go-to book for me and I have given it away about 25 times over the years. It is a book of how to do life when God seems silent. In his book, ken Geyer tells a story about a father begging for healing for his son. He did everything he knew to do, prayed as hard as he could and, like me, kept getting. Every time his request to God turned into a knockout punch. Finally, the man locked himself in a church in a standoff with God. This is the message he received as he just begged God to heal his son. God said to him in a way that only God can speak to us. If I don't heal your son, if I don't do this thing you want me to do, can I still be your God? It didn't take me long to answer that question in my situation. Yes, yes, you can still be my God. Please still be my God.

Speaker 1:

That declarative statement took some working out as the days passed on, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't sit on that island in my own prison. That had become my own crisis of faith. Ironically, it was October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. That October I got in three separate car accidents, nothing major. But to say that my brain was on healing mode and not at all available to function normally is a vast understatement. I found some help in that outpatient therapy, but had continued to see Dr Pettit as well. My body began to build a tolerance that medicine and nights began to become a thing again.

Speaker 1:

As we move through these podcasts, I try to educate you a little bit on some hallmarks of PTSD, flashbacks are perhaps one of the most common. During a flashback, patients are unable to differentiate time and space. Usually, all five senses are involved. So at night I had flashbacks and I was unable to understand that I was at Chrissy's house, that I was safe, that I was not with John or with my mom or the serial killers that were once in charge of me. I didn't understand Whatever flashback I was having. That's where I was. After a night or two of this happening, I literally ran into Chrissy while trying to leave my room to go to the bathroom to get some cold water to put on my face. I would find out later that she had been outside my door for hours pacing and praying, because she could hear the results of my flashbacks from the other side of the house.

Speaker 1:

I often pick on Chris because she is my friend who really enjoys the Old Testament and she loves an Old Testament story. I can't think of a better one to describe our friendship than the one of Jonathan and David. Jonathan, david's junior by a whole lot of years and the son of the king King Saul, by the way. Yeah, david was going to be the king, not Jonathan, but Jonathan bound himself up in friendship with David. He bound himself up in a friendship to a point where he gave Jonathan his battle gear, his bow, and that, effectively, was what Chrissy was doing for me. She was giving me every battle gear. She gave me One of the most precious being her mama, mama Bootsy. She told me she was about to share one of her most precious gifts with me Not only her mama, but her whole family, in fact.

Speaker 1:

And while we waited for the court date, I continued to get closer and closer to Chrissy's mama, who I still, to this day, call Mama Bootsy, and I understood, when I met her daughter, why she is so amazing. And, as it would turn out, when it was time to go to court, mama Bootsy was there. And somewhere along the way, I began believing that God saw me and that he loves me more than sparrows and had given me my very own Jonathan, who, by way of pacing outside my door for many nights to come, had crawled into a foxhole with me. We were going to war and it would take its toll, but the fight was worth it because I was finally beginning to realize that I was worth it.

Speaker 1:

Well, guys, I hope that you enjoyed that throwback episode if you have not heard this story before. I hope that it met you in the place that you are. Whether you yourself are living with trauma or you love somebody who is, there is so much hope. I listened to the pain in my voice even as I retell that story, which is why I just republished the episodes instead of telling it again. But all of my life he has been faithful. All of my life he has been so, so good.

Speaker 1:

We'll be back here in two weeks with your listener questions. Remember, right there in your podcast app, you can send a text message message. I will not know who you are unless you tell me and I am the only one that gets that and so we will be covering those listener questions in two weeks. Until then, you know what I'm going to say. I try not to leave a microphone without saying it.

Speaker 1:

You are seen, you are known, you are heard, you are loved, you are loved and you are so, so valued. With every breath that I am able, oh, I will sing of the goodness of God. I love your voice. You will lead me through the fire and in darkest night you were close like no other. I've known you as a father, I've known you as a friend and I have lived In the goodness of God. Yeah, I've lived in the goodness of God, yeah, and all my life you have been faithful. Oh, and all my life you have been so, so good. Every breath that I am able, oh, I will sing of the goodness of God. Yeah, your goodness is running out. It's running out to me. Your goodness is running out. It's running after me. Your goodness is running out. It's running after me.

Speaker 1:

If my life paid down, I'd surrender. Now. I'd give you everything. Your goodness is running out. It's running out to me. Your goodness is running out. It's running out to me. Your goodness is running out. It's running after me. When my life fades on, you surrender. I will give you everything. Your goodness, it's running, it keeps running after me. And all my life you have been faith and all my life you have been so, so good. With every breath that I am in, oh, I'm gonna sing Of the goodness of God. I'm gonna sing. I'm gonna sing, oh, god Cause, all my life you have been faithful and all my life you have been so, so good. With every breath that I have made, oh, I'm going to sing of the goodness of God. Oh, I'm gonna sing of the goodness of God. Oh, I'm gonna sing for all my days.

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Amy Watson

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