When Anxiety Meets the Red Pen: Finding Worth Beyond Performance and Delays

You ARE:
SEEN KNOWN HEARD LOVED VALUED

Chapters

• 0:12 Return, Delay, And A New Lesson
• 2:11 Plans Changed And Hope Deferred
• 3:16 Anxiety, Lies, And Identity
• 4:49 Logic vs Anxiety’s Loud Voice
• 7:17 Delay, Shame, And Redefining Worth
• 9:35 Scripture, Correction, And Compassion
• 11:50 Not Yet, Surrender, And Trust
• 13:41 Showing Up Shaky And Continuing
• 16:01 Defense Of The Heart Over Performance
• 18:15 You Were Valuable Before You Performed

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:12

Hey everybody and welcome back to the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. It has been about a month since we have dropped an episode and we're coming back with some schedule, regular schedule every two weeks soon. As some of you know, those of you that are following the journey, I am at the end of my doctoral journey and am hoping to finish soon in the next couple weeks. But interestingly enough, that is what today is about. Today I'm going to share with you just a journey that I have been going through over the last couple weeks as it pertains to my dissertation. It has been a few weeks that my body has been ruled by anxiety. My aura ring is yelling at me because when anxiety, when my anxiety met the red pen of my dissertation chair, it turned into something that it just isn't. Because you see, Satan wanted me to think that correction is equal to rejection. So we're going to talk about that today. Let's drop into this episode where I'm just talking a little bit about this process and the last couple weeks and what the Lord is teaching me through it. So if you have ever been blindsided by something that um I don't know, maybe it's a timing thing, I don't know. But when your plan did not go as you planned in your head and had it all perfectly scripted, that fall, if you will, that knock upside the head can be painful and it can be hard to navigate. And so if that's you, maybe you can relate to this episode today. So let's drop into this episode. When anxiety meets the red pen, correction is not equal to rejection. Alright, guys, if I had my way, I would not be here recording this episode for you. If things had gone as planned, I'd be telling you about how I was gonna defend my dissertation today on October the 15th. I still kind of remember when I was meeting with my chair just a couple weeks ago and she very demonstratively erased this date off of her calendar, indicating that I was nowhere near ready to defend it. And that took me on a journey, so instead of defending my dissertation today, I'm dropping this episode about a journey that has been so different than I thought it would be. I am still working on the revisions that the chair sent back to me. I do not have a defense date. And when people ask me about it, I'm just kind of giving them the standard answer is that I am learning so much through this process. I am trying really hard to embrace what the Lord is trying to teach me and what life just teaches in these situations. And maybe for the 110 billion time, I am leaning into what it means to walk by faith and not by sight. I did think that the hardest part of this doctoral journey would be the research. The writing didn't s necessarily scare me, but formatting those little detailed things, I really felt like that was gonna be kind of the thing that sent me over the edge. But it turns out the hardest part of this process has been waiting, wondering what's going on in that head of my dissertation chair and what she's coming back, and is she going to move the goalpost again? And so for me, Satan has used this where anxiety has just creeped in and has ruled me for the better part of two weeks. All the lies. If it's taking this long, that means I'm not good enough. I am defined, the lies want me to believe, by this dissertation. And the opposite is true too. If I would have defended today, it would not have meant that I was good enough, because you see, I am already good enough. As a Sangira, I I w I don't need you I I can't let you down because I you were never lifting me up because I've never been more loved than I am right now. And so I'm learning that my value is not connected to my performance, and I've said that on this uh on this podcast so many times. But anxiety is rule making the rules, and Satan is after me in the sense that every time I open an email, my heart races. Every feedback from my chair feels incredibly personal. And in my head, I know it's not supposed to. I teach people about this all the time. In my head, I know that correction doesn't equal rejection. But as I've also talked about on this podcast, and there are scientific reasons for this, that anxiety doesn't listen to logic. When our brains are being ruled by anxiety, we can't capture the truth to calm down our nervous systems. And that's kind of rich coming from me, somebody that talks about nervous system regulation, that talks about anxiety, that talks about trauma, that talks about PTSD, and as a rule, am living victoriously with it. But sometimes victory looks like stepping back into those dark places, those dark corners where rejection happened as such a young child, and now when something's not perfect, it feels like a rejection on me as a human being. It's funny, isn't it? I'm writing about trauma-informed care, I talk about it, I talk about attachment, I talk about how we learn through relationships, and here I am learning in real time what it means to literally be grasping onto God's truth because my emotions are running off with debilitating fear. Because as I mentioned, anxiety tells me that every single correction on this dissertation means failure. It means I suck as a human being, that I can't contribute to society. It means everything is what Satan wants me to believe. Satan wants me to believe that every delay means that I'm falling behind. Satan wants me to believe that if I were truly capable, this process wouldn't be so hard. And that voice of anxiety is exhausting. You'll probably hear it in my voice. It's paralyzing. It keeps me from doing the very thing that I have worked so hard to do, which is just finish. Right? So I I sit and I ruminate and it goes round and round in my head, and nothing is getting done. And I share this personal episode because I know that there's somebody under the sound of my voice that was had a date on their calendar. I am doing this on this date, and this will be over, and I will move on, and God said no. Maybe you've been there too, waiting on something terrified. That silence means rejection, and rejection has this value meter, if you will, on you, and that you don't mean anything if God said no. If you've been rejected for something that you really wanted. You feel like maybe that God's delay means denial. And you certainly might feel like I do, that correction means that you're just not good enough. Not that you're simply human and you're not going to be perfect. But here's what I'm learning in this unexpected waiting. Is that God's correction is never rejection. He can't reject us, right? There are 365 times in the Bible where he says, I will never leave you or forsake you. Fear not. 365 fear not. And one of them is, I will never leave you or forsake you. So God's correction is never, ever, ever, ever rejection. He can't reject you. Men can and will reject us, and that hurts, and that's okay. But not the God of the universe. He is literally incapable of rejecting you. And you literally have never been more loved than you are right now. So when I look at scripture, we see a savior who still corrected, right? Meaning we are not perfect, we're going to need to be corrected. Jesus corrected out of compassion. For example, when Peter jumped out of the boat and was walking on the water and all was good, and then he took his eyes off of Jesus and he fell into the water. Jesus didn't shame Peter for making that mistake. He reached out for him. I've said so often that shame wants you to believe that you are the mistake. Not that you made a mistake. And if I'm being honest, I've dealt with some shame related to this delay in my dissertation because for some reason in the back of my head I think that people love me because I am doing this, and that people people, people, people are in my head. And really, it doesn't matter because I don't need to feel shame. I don't need to feel embarrassment. I didn't even make a mistake, and so shame has no place here. Jesus also didn't scold Martha for serving, right? I I would have been Martha. Moving around, bouncing off the walls, doing the things, people getting tired, just looking at me. But he didn't shame her for serving, he just simply invited her. To sit, to be quiet, to learn from him, to serve, to be served. Jesus also didn't reject Thomas for doubting. Jesus actually invited him over and said, touch my side, touch my hands, touch my feet. He didn't reject Thomas for doubting. He met and then it. Every correction that Jesus offered was an act of love, not condemnation. And maybe that's what he's doing with all of us. Gently redirecting, softly refining. Teaching us that no, it might just be a not yet. And here's the thing, here's something that I can't even go to in my head. What if I got all the way here and God said you're not supposed to finish your dissertation? I can't even think what that would feel like, but I would hope that I would find myself in the loving arms of Jesus whose ways are higher than my ways, whose thoughts are higher than mine. If I'm honest, this whole process has become less about earning this degree at this point and more about learning to depend on Jesus. I will always look back on this time and say that was the time that I literally got sent to my knees because there was no way that I made it through any of that without Jesus. So it requires this faith that doesn't always look like confidence. Sometimes faith looks like showing up anyway, opening the laptop, going to the document, changing the things. Sometimes it means showing up with a shaky hand and a cluttered mind, believing that God is still writing the story. Even though I can't see the ending right now, even though I don't have a defense date. God is still writing that story. And I'm just thinking of that song by Shane and Shane, as I wait for you, as I wait for you, Lord. Help me to learn what you need me to learn. As I wait for that defense date, I am realizing something. Maybe the real defense I'm preparing for is not for my dissertation. Maybe it's for the defense of my heart, learning to defend it against the lies that Satan says that I'm not good enough and that my value is attached to this. Maybe I'm learning to defend it against the lies that say my worth is tied to my performance. Everybody that knows me knows this is my besetting sin. Thinking that my performance makes me valuable and makes people love me. Really, all I need to do is get up in the morning to be valuable. Because I've said so many times on this podcast to all of you, and sometimes I have to preach it to myself. I am seen, known, heard, loved, and valued. Regardless of the letters behind my name, I was that on the very first day I took a breath when I hadn't done anything in this world except be born. You too. You have been valuable since God made a made a way for you to be a life. Before you were ever able to perform one single thing, you already had immense value that would never increase and never decrease to God. And that is crazy to think about that I just need to get up and breathe. And my value to God stays right there at the pinnacle of value. Because I've never been more loved than I am right now, and that's true of you too. So today, instead of standing in front of a committee, I am sitting in front of that laptop that I gotta get on when I'm done recording this episode. I'm behind this microphone, reminding you and reminding me that correction does not equal rejection. That these revisions on my dissertation is a lesson that God is teaching to me for a greater life lesson, that I am not what I do, but I am the precious daughter of the Most High God. That anxiety does not have the final word. That delay doesn't mean defeat. And that hope is still alive, even when the timeline looks different than we planned. Guys, maybe your October 15th looks different too. Maybe the thing that you thought would happen hasn't. Maybe you're waiting and the waiting hurts. And maybe you don't feel valuable to God because you're still waiting. But I promise you this. He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. I love that verse. It takes me back to 1990, June 6, 1990, actually. When I walked across the stage from my high school graduation and got my diploma from Dad McGallan, and behind us was a banner that said, He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. On that hot summer day in Tampa, Florida, that verse meant to me that God had saved me from abandonment, neglect, and abuse, and firmly placed me at the children's home where people loved me, and that God would continue that good work. And now, 35 years later, we see all that God has done. All of my life, he has been faithful. All of my life, he has been so so good. He's not going to stop now, and he's not gonna stop for you either. Because he's not the god who abandons us. He's not the god who abandons the process. As Mama Gallen taught me that verse, he is the God who perfects it. I will perfect all that. So, still waiting for that defense. But in the meantime, I'll be here. Learning to rest, learning to trust, learning to let Jesus hold me steady when anxiety takes over. And that's what I wanted to share with you today. Not from a defense podium, but from my heart. This promise of God that we've never been more loved than we are right now, and that when he corrects us, it doesn't mean that he rejects us. And when people on this planet correct us, it doesn't define our value. This is the hope of the completed work of Jesus Christ. This is real, this is grounded, this is graced. So hope. Only because of the star. I hope this has encouraged somebody here today, that all of us would walk in the promise of who we are in this type of an almighty guy.

SPEAKER_02: 17:15

We are seeing never been more loved.